Meeting The
Friends
The Upfront Meeting
Some guys show you their “friend hand” right away. I went on a first date with a guy once and
after dinner he invited me to a party where all his friends were going to
be. I’m pretty comfortable meeting new
people so I decided to go. It was
awkward when I got to the party and realized I was actually much more attracted
to, and interested in his friend.
I’ve dated the friends of guys I have previously dated, and
it’s not the best situation. I think it’s weird for your boyfriend’s friend to
be able to say the line “well, when I was sleeping with her….” Just as it’s
equally weird for you to be able to say, “that’s not how (insert friend’s name
here) used to do it.” For me, that’s just too close for comfort. It’s also hard to say to a man that just
bought you dinner, “hey thanks for dinner. I had a really great time! I don’t think this is going to work out, but is your friend John single?”
I think it’s nice when a guy is open to having you meet his
buddies in the beginning of the relationship, but meeting them right away might
not be the best. The one exception is if
your first date is in some type of group setting. Otherwise, I think it’s better to get to know
the guy a little better and actually decide if you’re even interested in being
part of his life before you just become instantly involved in it.
The Non-meeting
Sometimes guys are resistant to having you meet their
friends. I feel like this doesn’t happen
super often, but I have definitely dated guys for months and never met their
friends. In this case you might wonder
if your guy even has friends, and if he does, what’s wrong with you meeting
them?
The way I see it, there are 3 main reasons why the guy
you’re dating doesn’t want you to meet his friends.
- He doesn’t have any. A friend of mine dated a guy who, it seems, actually didn’t have any friends for her to meet. Seriously, the man didn’t have any friends. I believe she asked him about his friend situation, and when pressured, he was able to come up with 3 friends. A guy he knew first semester freshman year of college (12 years ago) before the guy transferred to a different school, and 2 female co-workers, one of whom, if I recall correctly, was a woman in her mid-fifties who spent most of her time couponing. I am not making this up. The man had 3 “friends” 2 co-workers and a guy he was friends with 12 years ago for approximately 4 months. If the guy you're dating doesn't have friends, you should definitely be asking yourself why? It is not normal for a person to not have any friends. Red flag.
- He’s embarrassed by his friends or he realizes how terrible you’ll think they are and doesn’t want to expose you to that. Sometimes guys really do have terrible friends, and perhaps it’s noble of him to consider how meeting these guys might be a terrible experience for you. I would argue that unless this guy is planning to drop his friends altogether to be with you, even if they’re awful, you should meet them so you can at least try and learn to love them.
- He’s embarrassed of you, and doesn’t want his friends to know that you’re the girl he’s been spending so much time with and ditching them for. This is quite obviously the worst reason why you’re not meeting his friends. If you discover this is the situation, you should get yourself away from this guy ASAP. He obviously doesn’t respect you and you deserve better.
In general, if you haven’t met your guy’s friends, and
you’ve been dating a while, you should be concerned. There is some reason why he is resistant, and
most likely, in the end, you’ll discover that this man is not worth your
time.
Types of Friends
The Buddies
The thing that I find the most interesting about guys
friends is that they are so often very different from one another. It seems like women tend to make friends who
share common interests, and women drop friends and make new friends relatively
easily. Guys seem to hold onto their
friends forever. I know I have had conversations with many
guys about their friends and each time the guy seems surprised by my
inquiry.
"That's your friend?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"I don't know.... he's just not what I expected, I guess. He seems so different from you"
"Oh. Yeah, I guess. We've been friends since Kindergarten. He's my boy"This is the key. Men make friends when they’re young and somehow manage to stay friends with those same guys FOREVER. They stay friends even if they have nothing in common. Part of the reason why men are able to do this, and women often are not, has everything to do with how differently men and women connect to their friends.
When women get together with their friends most of their
time is spent talking; catching up, gossiping, communicating, complaining about
their man, getting advice, etc. When men
get together with their friends, their time is often spent engaged in some type
of activity. Perhaps they play on a
baseball team, or go golfing, or fix cars together, or play video games, or
even just hang out and drink beers. Whatever the activity is men often spend a
limited amount of time verbally communicating, and spend most of their time
engaged in a form of “parallel play.”
For those of you unfamiliar with this term, “parallel play” is
a concept that comes out of Developmental Psychology. Parallel play is the type
of play that young children (2-3 years) typically engage in, in which they play
alongside each other, in similar activities, without obvious communication or
interaction.
I’m sure most of us have had the experience of asking a man
pretty general questions about how a friend of his is doing following a “guys'
night” only to discover that he has absolutely no idea how his friend is doing.
Girl: “So how’s Jimmy doing?"
Guy: “He’s good.”
Girl: “Is he still dating that girl?”
Guy: “I don’t know.”
Girl: “Well, how are things going with his new job?”
Guy: “I don’t know.”
Girl: “Is he coming to the BBQ on Saturday?”
Guy: “Um…. I don’t know. Probably."
Girl: “I’m sorry, didn’t you just see him? Weren’t you just at Jimmy’s house? What do you mean, you don’t know?”
Guy: “I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it.”
Girl: “Well what did you talk about?”
Guy: “God, I don’t know what we talked about.”
Girl: “Well if you didn’t talk what the hell did you do all day.”
Guy: “We just hung out.”
This conversation is in direct opposition to the
conversation that occurs when a woman returns from seeing her friends. Before the guy has the opportunity to ask
anything he is usually hit with something like “Oh my God, you would not
believe what Jessica told me tonight!” This may be followed by a lengthy
retelling of details from the “girls night out.”
Female Friends
So what about when your guy has girlfriends? According to When Harry Met Sally, “Men and woman can never really be friends,
because the sex part always gets in the way.” I’d like to think that this isn’t
true.
I will say that a guy I was dating once told me that guys
don’t really have female friends that they aren’t interest in sleeping with. I believe he said, “what’s the point? When
it’s more fun to hang out with guys?” I
will also say that this same guy happened to have a number of female friends. So….. what exactly was I supposed to take away
from that conversation? What I took away
was this, he would rather hang out with his male friends than me, and he was,
is, or wants to have sex with all his female friends. Again, I hope that this was specific to him
and not representative of all men, because that would be terrible.
I don’t have a problem with the guy I’m dating having female
friends provided the other girl isn’t a total bitch and isn’t somehow insecure
or jealous. I hate when you start dating a guy and you meet his female friend
and she acts like you’re not there and/or treats your guy like he’s her
boyfriend.
One time I sat silently in
the back seat of my boyfriend’s car, because his “friend” insisted on sitting
shotgun the whole night and wouldn’t stop talking. Another time, my boyfriend’s
“friend” spent the entire night hanging all over him and said things like “isn’t
our (insert boyfriends name here) so sweet?” And finally, I dated a guy who
had a “friend” that would call/text all night, literally ALL NIGHT when she
knew he was with me. So, provided your
guy’s female friend doesn’t resemble any of the women above, meaning she isn’t just
plain awful, I say it’s healthy for men to have female friends. In fact, I encourage it.
So what have we learned?
- If you’re dating a guy he should introduce you to his friends near the beginning of the relationship, but perhaps not right away. Also, he should be interested in doing this and not forced somehow.
- Guys keep their friends FOREVER. Learn to love them or hit the road. Those dudes aren’t going anywhere.
- Don’t get crazy and start making rules about who your man can and can’t hang out with. If he has female friends, meet them and have an open mind. They may legitimately just be friends. If it turns out they’re awful (like those described above) talk to your guy about it. He should be able to recognize the issue and make necessary adjustments. If you continue to feel uncomfortable and nothing changes, trust your gut, and walk.
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