Your friends hate your "boyfriend"

By the time you’re 30 you most likely have a pretty solid group of friends.  I myself feel like I have an amazing group of friends that I trust, respect, and enjoy spending time with.  I know that these people care about me and want what’s best for me.  So what happens when your friends, the people you trust the most in the world, don’t like the guy you’re dating?

We have all been in a situation where someone we’re friends with starts dating someone terrible; someone who doesn’t treat them well, or someone that just isn’t on their level.  It’s awkward and uncomfortable.  As the friend, it’s hard to know when you should put your two cents in and when you should just keep your mouth shut.  Figuring out how to tell your friend that she should get away from the guy she’s dating is an important issue to discuss, but today I want to talk about what happens when you’re the person dating the dud.

I think I'm a pretty open person, I don't take myself (or my life) too seriously, and I enjoy a good conversation.  For those reasons I'm pretty big on sharing what happens in my personal life with my friends.  I mean, I guess this is pretty obvious since I'm not only talking to my friends about my personal life, but blogging about it.  Anyway, this aspect of my life can make things complicated when I'm dating someone.  Especially when I'm dating some who might make "questionable" choices.

When your friends first become concerned about the guy you're dating, they will likely be pretty subtle about their skepticism.  You might be able to tell by the look on their face or by the questions they ask.  If you start feeling like you're defending your new man and find yourself saying things like "...but he's not a jerk, you just don't know him" you're friends are concerned.  

The line you often hear from your friends is "well, I just want you to be happy" and that's true! They're your friends!  Of course they don't want you to be unhappy.  What's more, they don't want you wasting your time with a guy who isn't right for you, and who is ultimately not going to make you happy. 

You know it's bad when you look at the guy you're dating and know that if one of your friends was dating him you would be advising her to run away.  Take your own advice girlfriend!  You know this guy isn't right for you, what are you doing?!?

I had been dating this guy who definitely raised some red flags.  I tend to have a pretty active imagination so I started trying to make sense of his odd behavior and came up with some pretty elaborate, though farfetched stories. 

One of these stories, the most ridiculous, was about how he had killed someone.  That's right people; I made up a story about how the guy I was dating could have killed someone.  I assumed that my friends would understand that I was obviously kidding and wouldn't actually think the guy I was dating killed someone.  When I realized that my obvious joke wasn't so obvious, and my friends started thinking maybe I really was dating a criminal, that's when I fully realized that my friends were not too keen on the guy I was dating.  For my friends who are reading, I really was kidding, no one killed anyone.  I just have a tendency to take things too far.  You're my friends, you should know this.    

Anyway, eventually your friends might feel like things have gone far enough and they get the courage to tell you straight up, they don't like the guy you're dating and they think you should move on.  Consider this carefully.  You're friends are taking a pretty big risk coming to you with their concerns.  All your friends want is for you to be happy.  They have no reason to trash on your guy unless they feel pretty confident that this guy is bad news.  When your closest friends are saying "you can do a lot better"  believe them.  You're friends have no reason to lie to you.

OK. Sooo let say you realize that this guy is bad news but you're in love with him anyway.  This happens.  Love can definitely make this situation more complicated.  I don't really have the patience to go into the whole love debate right now, but I will say this; love is not enough to sustain a relationship.  Love is an important ingredient, for sure, but if you're actually looking for a relationship, love without the other stuff is not good enough.

So let's take a minute to explore and review some of the reasons why you might be dating a guy who could be a murderer (I'm kidding!)  If you're dating a "questionable" guy that your friends don't approve of there are probably a couple of explanations

1. You feel like you can't do any better. This is crazy talk.  If you really can't do any better than a murderer, you might wanna take a look at yourself and make some changes.  Maybe see a therapist or something.  Also, if people in your life agreed that this loser was the best you could do, they'd probably keep their mouth shut and think "well, he's awful, but look at her! who else is going to wanna date her?"  You can do better! I would also argue that even if you can't find an awesome guy to replace the dud right away, being on your own for a little while might be a better option for you.
2. You're in love. Awwww.... love. What a wonderful thing love is.  It's all sunshine and butterfly's until your boyfriend goes off to jail for murder (again, kidding).  Love is great, everyone likes to feel love, but it is definitely not enough.  I'm not saying you have to forget about this yahoo altogether, but maybe he doesn't have to be your boyfriend.  You can love someone, and care for them, and have them be part of your life without having them be your chosen partner.  Just think about it.
3. You want to save him.  This is a trap that I probably fall into easier than most people.  I am all about helping other people.  I answer my phone in the middle of the night and would happily get out of bed to do someone a favor or listen to how they just got dumped.  I give homeless people money and sometimes stop to buy them food.  If you drop a dollar in the street, I'll run to catch up to you to return it.  I'm a Social Worker for Christ's sake.  I like helping people, and occasionally this finds its way into my dating life.  My father passed away in 2006 so I haven't been able to turn to him for advice as an adult.  Fortunately, my Dad did pass along some advice before he passed away that only now has really resonated with me.  Once when he was driving me back to my dorm in college he said "It's great that you like to help people so much. That's a great quality, and it makes me proud to be your father.  Having said that, it's not always your job to save everyone.  Help people as much as you can.  Be a good friend and a good citizen of the world.  Find a job that allows you to interact with others and gives you the opportunity to make peoples lives better.  When it comes to your life though, you shouldn't have to save anyone or fix anyone.  Do all your saving out there and allow yourself to come home to someone who is your equal, not someone who needs you to save them." This is probably some of the best advice I've ever received, and I think about that conversation often.  If you're like me, maybe this advice will be useful for you also.

Your friends hate your boyfriend and they're not afraid to say it...

Provided you haven't surrounded yourself with awful people, you should probably listen to your friends.  Of course it's not easy to admit that you're dating someone terrible.  It's also not easy to admit why you might be stuck dating someone terrible.  It is important to take a step back and consider how messed up it is to be able to make up a story about how he could have murdered someone and have people actually believe it.  You should probably consider your choices.  Life is short and sometimes the guy just isn't worth it.