Relationship Labels

I’m actually not one who is big on labeling... Well, unless the labeling we’re referring to is the kind you do with a label maker, in which case I’m actually all about it! 

Anyway, it seems as though most women prefer to have labels for their relationships, and I imagine that my resistance to this probably indicates that there is something “wrong” with me.  I have never initiated the “where is this going?” conversation or “the talk” as we colloquially refer to it.

I’m not even really sure why I’m not big into having “the talk,” but I think it’s partly because I have absolutely no idea where this is going and initiating the conversation would mean that I would have to have some idea, and be able to articulate what I was hoping to get from the relationship.  In most cases I’m not prepared to do that, because I have absolutely no idea. 

I have regularly had people ask me “so what are you guys?” and the response is usually “I don’t know.”  Do I need to know? It seems like a lot of people who label their relationships, which indicates they know “where they’re going,” are often surprised by where the relationship actually goes.  It seems as though having the label doesn’t really help you at all, and in some cases might actually be harmful.

Of course if you don’t have a label on your relationship you do run the risk of miscommunicating.  You might think you’re in a type of committed relationship and the guy might think you’re just having casual sex, and is maybe having casual sex with a lot of people. (The term “casual sex” is one I’ll need to return to later, because I would argue that any situation that requires me to take off my underwear is surly not casual at all.)

Having the label makes us feel safe, but does it really change anything?  Just because you throw the term “boyfriend” on the guy you’re seeing doesn’t necessarily mean that anything has really changed.  If you’re with a guy who sleeps around, he’s most likely still going to sleep around whether he’s sporting the boyfriend label or not.

I guess the advantage of the label is that if you do find out he’s sleeping around you have just cause to freak out, and if you’ve left him label-less you don’t really have a leg to stand on.  On the other hand, finding out your boyfriend is cheating on you can be quite shocking and devastating.  Finding out the guy you’ve been hanging out with is sleeping with other people without your knowledge, while upsetting for sure, is arguably far less shocking and likely not devastating.

I think a lot of times we go to the labels not because it actually helps the relationship in any way, but because it makes us feel better.  It’s fun to tell a story and be able to say “my boyfriend” instead of saying “the guy that I’m kind of seeing.”

This might become more of an issue in your 30’s because by 30 society tells us that we should have this stuff somewhat figured out.  It’s ok to casually date when you’re younger, but by 30 you should be serious about it, your biological clock is ticking and such.  

Also, people get excited about changing their Facebook status to “in a relationship.” We need the label so we can announce it publicly, so that people congratulate us and say nice things on our wall.

Being able to put that label on someone makes us feel better about ourselves.  It’s our way of letting the world know that someone cares about us, that someone loves us, that someone actually gets excited about taking their clothes off with us.  Being “in a relationship” is seen as more positive than being “single” and that’s why we feel the need to have “the talk” and put that label on as quickly as possible.


“Don’t worry you’ll find someone.”

I hate when people say that! Maybe I have found someone and maybe I just don’t feel the need to advertise it. Or maybe I don’t want someone.  Or maybe I look at you, in your labeled relationship, and think it seems awful. 

Saying to a single person “don’t worry you’ll find someone” is just as bad as a single person saying to a couple “don’t worry this won’t last.” Would anyone ever say that?? No, no one would say that. So why do I have to respect your relationship, but its ok for you to shame me?  Being single isn’t a terrible thing and I’m tired of people making it seem like it is.

I also don’t know why it’s anyone's business what my relationship status is.  I’m not sure why it’s important for us to advertise this information.  I know I’m in the minority on this one, but I can’t imagine ever posting my relationship status on Facebook.  I just don’t buy into any sort of public declaration like that (well, unless its in blog form i guess J)

Taking it a step further, I’m not even sure how comfortable I would be sporting a big engagement ring, or any engagement ring for that matter (should I ever get engaged).  I’m not sure having other people know that someone asked me to marry them is something that matters to me.  To me, it’s just another way of labeling that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Some would argue that you wear the ring because that lets the world know you’re taken, but why is that important?  Is it so other men will know not to hit on you? Because in my experience most men don’t care if you’re wearing a ring or not.  If they want to hit on you, they’re going to. 

Also, I have it on good authority that some men actually find women who are “taken” even more desirable, and are actually more likely to put the moves on if they think another guy has already claimed you.  Furthermore, is a woman not capable of telling a man that hits on her that she’s not interested? She needs a ring to protect her? or a label to protect her? Really??

So if labels don’t actually help your relationship, and they don’t deter others from hitting on you, and they don’t prevent infidelity, and in fact might actually have the opposite effect, why are we so label happy?

I do think its important for people to communicate about what their expectations are and what the boundaries are, but maybe we should just have that conversation and leave the labeling out if it altogether.  Maybe we should stop trying to force things and just let them unfold on their own.  I'm certainly no expert, but it seems worth thinking about.