Why Blog?

Thirteen years ago I went off to college and was quickly introduced to Sex and the City.  As an 18 year old, the issues of Carrie and her friends seemed very far removed, yet, like most women my age, it became an important part of my regular life. 

I had watching marathons with friends; drank Cosmo's; fantasized about running, confidently and gracefully, through the streets of the city in heels; dreamed of one day dating a "Mr. Big" (or in my case, an Aidan); and started opening up to my girlfriends about things I never would have before.  I even took the "which Sex and the City girl are you?" quiz online.  I was a "Carrie". In retrospect that may have actually been a more accurate quiz than I thought, as I now find myself writing about dating in my 30's.  Anyway, the point is, while I loved Sex and the City, I never thought I would find myself faced with the crisis of being single and in my 30's.

"I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?"

I hear you Charlotte! Boy, do I hear you. For some reason, I always had in my head that I would get married soon after graduating from college, would meet an amazing man, buy a house, have some kids, a dog, and live happily ever after.  It never occurred to me that those things wouldn't come easily.

At this point I'm not even sure if that's even what I really want.  I know those are the things I'm supposed to want, but I sometimes wonder if I've just been brainwashed into thinking that's what I want.  It's difficult, because the other side of that argument is that I really do what those things, but I'm afraid I won't get them, so I tell myself I'm this independent modern woman who knows better than to think being married with kids is the simple recipe for happiness.

I don't actually think the issue is just men and dating though. Although there is certainly issue there.  The issue really is being 30.  The issue is being 30 and dissatisfied.

Once upon a time, young women finished high school and then made finding a husband their focus. They went from their parents house to their husbands house and mostly didn't have the opportunity to imagine a life any different.

I'm so fortunate to have been born at a time with more options and opportunities for women.  I played sports, and went to college, and went to graduate school, and lived on my own, and made my own choices, and could even run for president someday if I felt so inclined.  At the same time, I spent six years focusing almost exclusively on getting my education.  In fact, for the 2 years I was in graduate school, I decided not to date at all in order to remain focused.  I guess I assumed when I finished school there would be plenty of great guys left just waiting for me.  By the time I graduated I was 24, single, living in a tiny studio, and working 2 jobs in order to cover my bills and begin paying the $100,000 I now owed in student loans.

I turned 31 a little over a month ago, and while I'm far from being "over the hill," something about being "in my 30's" left me feeling...... well, a whole lot of things actually. Most of them not super positive.

Sometimes we have concerns about ourselves and about our lives that are really just anxieties and not necessarily based in reality.  For example, you might look in the mirror and think you have the most hideous nose on the planet, but to everyone else, your nose looks just fine.  We talk about our insecurities and concerns with others, and most of the time the people around us help us to see we're just being ridiculous and too hard on ourselves.  So what does it mean when people start worrying about your age and single status even more than you? When people say things like "so you don't want kids?" or "you better get out there, you're not getting any younger" or "are you a lesbian?"  What about when your friends start talking (seriously) about artificial insemination? Or tell you they purchased an ovulation kit to make sure that their bodies are still working properly? What about when you look around and see amazing women settling for these loser guys, because the alternative is too depressing to deal with?

I woke up the other day and thought "this is it? This is my life? This is how I'm going to spend the rest of my days? Working all the time at job that doesn't feel as fulfilling as I had once imagined it would, barely having enough money to cover my bills, dating subpar guys, and feeling the tiniest bit bitter every time someone announces their engagement on Facebook or post pictures of their irresistibly adorable baby? This is my life? Seriously?!" The cosmo's probably would have come in handy at this moment, but that's a whole other issue.

I know I'm not the only person that feels this way.  My story is like so many others.  Not to be overly dramatic, but it feels a little like a generational crisis.  Yes, a crisis. I said it.

I've never even considered blogging before.  It always seemed so self-indulgent.  But here I am blogging away. It's possible no one will ever read this, but for some reason I feel compelled to write anyway and hopefully, in the process, I can figure out how to navigate this whole "being in my 30's" thing, and maybe find the recipe for happiness that works for me.