We all have a number. Some of us can give our number without even thinking about it. Some of us need to take a minute to review. Some of us may need to elicit the help of others to accurately obtain our number. Some of us can give an educated guess. And some of us have absolutely no idea and wouldn’t be able to come up with a solid number if our lives depended on it. No matter what your specific number is, or which category you fall into, the one thing we all share is that we have a number. So how important is this number?
I lost my virginity at 17, which seems pretty average (maybe on the low end of average for women of my generation). I remember at the time thinking that sex was kind of a big deal, and dated my boyfriend for a year before we “did it.” Being young and not having prior experience meant that waiting wasn’t so hard. Well, it wasn’t so hard for me… I guess it might have been hard for him, or at least harder. Maybe I’ll ask him about that. (Please note, by "hard" I mean difficult.)
Anyway, I remember thinking I was so mature and realistic about sex and figured that I would probably have a few more sexual partners before I got married and settled down. Three was the number I came up with. Three.
I had already slept with my high school boyfriend, and I figured I’d probably have a boyfriend in college who I would sleep with, and would maybe have one other guy in there somewhere. This also means that I imagined that I would end up marrying my high school boyfriend, my college boyfriend, or whatever random guy took that third open spot.
I’m now 31, which means I have been “sexually active” (sometimes more active than other times) for 14 years. That’s nearly half my life. Without talking specifics, my well thought out sex plan of 3, was not very realistic.
To be honest, I actually adjusted this number in college after my boyfriend and I broke up, and I realized I had already reached my 3. I cautiously increased my limit to 5, figuring the “one hand rule” made a lot of sense. That number has since also gone out the window. I decided at that point that setting limits just didn’t make a whole lot of sense, because what happens when I reach the limit? I go back and “re-do” people? Stop having sex completely? Just keep setting arbitrary limits for myself? What?
Once you have sex for the first time, barring any renewed religiosity and “born again” bullshit, you will continue to have sex (no offense if you’re “saving” yourself for marriage, re-virginizing yourself, or what have you, because it’s what Jesus would have wanted. Good for you! I just don’t buy it). So once you have sex for the first time, not only will you continue to have sex, but it will probably happen sooner into the relationship than it did when you had your first go round. Therefore your number might increase at a much faster rate than you had anticipated.
A number you may have lied about a few years ago in one direction, you now may find yourself lying about in the other direction. What you once tried to play up, you might now try to play down. I’m pretty honest about my number, should anyone show interest in that type of statistic, but I understand why a lot of people probably aren’t. No one wants to think of themselves as a dirty whore. Well, the majority of people don’t, Am I right?
So how much does this number actually matter?? I would have to say it doesn’t really matter at all. Provided you’re making good sexual choices, who cares how many partners you’ve had.
Maybe I should be clear about what I mean by “good sexual choices.” Are you being selective about your partners? Are you choosing to have sex and not having it forced upon you? Do you practice safe sex? Do you get tested for STD’s? Do you feel comfortable talking to your partner about sex, pregnancy, STD’s, etc.? If you can answer yes to these questions most of the time, then I say do what you want.
As a side note, some of these things are things to think about (talk about) before you have sex. I hooked up with a guy once and afterwards he said “do you have any STD’s?” I couldn’t help but kind of laugh. I was tempted to lie and say that I did just to make him nervous, and point out how ridiculous it is to ask someone that after you’ve already hooked up, but then I thought "who lies about having an STD when they don’t? That’s crazy. And gross."
Sex is a normal part of life, and people who have regular sex are healthier and happier than those who don’t (that is fact, not opinion). I say stop worrying about your number and just live the life you want to live.
If you meet someone and want to have sex with them, do it. If you don't want to have sex with them, don't do it. If someone asks you for your number and you don’t want to give it, don’t. If you do reveal your number and people judge you or shame you, fuck them! Not literally. Well, maybe literally…. Depends on the circumstances, I guess. Ok, if someone shames you, ignore them, because they’re an asshole, and then, depending on the circumstance, make a good choice about literally fucking them or not.
So how much does your number matter? Not at all. Well, unless you let it matter, so don't let it. Whether your number is zero or in the triple digits, live the life you want to live, and stop worrying about it.
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