A Relationship Expert?

Over the weekend I got en email from a woman who has been reading my blog.  She wanted to interview me for a story she's doing about dating.  In the email, she referred to me as a "relationship expert." 

A relationship expert?  Hmmm.... umm.... really??  Has she not been paying attention?  When did multiple failed relationships, numerous horrific first dates with weirdoes, and a small, but growing, library of cock shots make you a relationship expert?  I mean, cool... but, really??

I guess if you want to get technical, I am somewhat of an "expert" when it comes to other people's relationships, as I am a therapist.   Being a good therapist, however, has little to do with how you function in your own life, at least to some extent.   I mean, obviously you have to be a pretty functional person to be a therapist, but that doesn't mean you're free of problems; not even close. 

I think it's so interesting that our ability to help others has almost no bearing on our ability to help ourselves.  I constantly have people coming to me for advice and insight.  Seriously, all the time people are telling me their story and asking for my suggestions.  While I'm always happy to listen, and happy to help, sometimes it surprises me that people look to me for my advice. 

I guess I feel this mostly in my personal life, because I actually feel pretty good about work.  When it comes to my personal life though, I think my suspicion is due to the fact that I know that the people asking for advice are pretty well aware of my life situation. 

When people say "I really need to talk to you" or "I really need your advice," for at least a second, I'm thinking, "uhhh really? You want my advice on this situation? But look at me!"

Needless to say, no matter what goes down in my own life I have somehow gained the respect of my peers enough, that no matter what mistakes I make, they are not deterred from spilling their guts to me and taking my solid(?) advice.

Now, it seems, not only are my friends willing to overlook my personal shortcomings in order to receive my feedback, so are a lot of other people.  Thank goodness that all it takes is a blog, some strong opinions, mistakes, and a couple funny stories to make you an expert on something.  To be honest, I actually feel really worried that anyone thinks I know anything, about anything.

I'm moderately smart, and arguably well adjusted, but that doesn't mean I really know anything.  Does anyone else feel like they have absolutely no idea what they're doing? Or what's going on?  I feel like a good amount of the time I'm kind of just pretending I know what's going on and what I'm supposed to do.

As a child, I remember looking up to adults and being in awe of their vast wisdom and knowledge.  Now that I'm, technically, an adult, I'm a little bit like, "um.. excuse me...where is all my wisdom and knowledge?  Hello?  But I don't know anything!  Hello?  Anyone? Hellllloo?"  Then I kind of look around and realize I better just smile and pretend before everyone recognizes that I'm just a poser.

I feel like I had the expectation that when I grew up I would know things, and have answers to things, and truly be an "expert," but it seems that the older I get, the more questions I have and the more lost I feel. 

It's interesting to think that everyone else kind of feels the same way sometimes.  Occationally I think about my parents, and think, OK, they played it pretty cool, but there is no way they actually knew what they were doing in that situation.  No. Way. 

And that's the thing; we all play it pretty cool.  I'm playin' it cool enough that people actually think I know something! And want to interview me about it!  Really! 

It's scary to think that we're all running around doing stuff, and literally no one really knows what the fuck they're doing, or what the point of all of this is, or if there even is a point for that matter.  I guess the only thing we can know for sure, is that we don't know anything.  And that's my "expert" opinion. 

Yowzers! I guess I'll end it there today with that comforting thought.  You're welcome.  Peace.         
 

"This might be hard for you to hear"

The other day my mother sent me an email that started like this “I know this might be very hard for you to hear, but I would rather it come from me.”

Attention grabbing, right?  An opening like that makes you think someone is going to tell you they have cancer, or that you were really adopted, or that you were born a boy.  An opening like that creates anxiety.  So what was my mother emailing to tell me?  Before I answer, let me give you some background information.

I have a large extended family.  My mother is the oldest of six and there are 14 grandchildren.  My brother is oldest grandchild and I am the second.  Being one of the oldest there are a lot of things that I got to do first and I imagine the expectation was that I would get married first as well.  A logical assumption.  So let’s go through the list of granchildren and see where I come in.

My brother - Married
Me - Single (of course)
Cousin B: Engaged
Cousin K: Engaged
Cousin J: Engaged and has a baby
Cousin T: Lives with long term boyfriend
Cousin L: Engaged

The rest of my cousins are still college age or younger.  If you're keeping track, the best I can probably do in the race to marital bliss, in my family, is seventh.  Seventh.  Middle of the pack.  Well, unless I get serious and make some pretty big moves in the coming months.  For those of you who have been paying attention, this seems pretty unlikely.  You don't often move quickly from cock shots to engagement rings, I expect.

Ok, so now that you have some background, let’s talk about the email.  My mother emailed me not to give me some horrible news or to reveal a dark family secret, but instead, to tell me about one of the above listed engagements.  The email was meant to deliver, what most of us would consider to be, happy news.  So why begin an otherwise happy email in such a dark way?

After my mother sent me this personalized "step away from the ledge" email, she sent another email that also included my brother and sister-in-law to officially report the engagement news.  It felt like my mother wanted to make sure I didn’t completely lose my mind upon receiving the news before she made the rest of the family aware in a group email.  Why else would she feel like she had to email me a private pre-announcement email with the news?  

Do I seem like the kind of person who is so wrapped up in my own relationship status that I can’t be happy for others?  

Here's the thing, I don't consider myself to be a very jealous person.  I actually really do feel genuinely happy for other people when they have success, or good fortune, or happy news.  Of course there are definitely times when I think “damn, I wish I had that,” but never in a way that overshadows my happiness for them.  Never in way that makes me want it so much that I wish they didn’t have it.

When someone reports happy relationship news, it’s not the actual news that upsets me it’s the way the news is delivered.  People deliver happy relationship news to single people like their giving a death sentence.  I didn’t feel bad about myself before, but now that you’ve prefaced your news with “I know this might be hard for you to hear” and ended it with “don’t worry you’ll find someone” I feel somehow defective.

It actually wasn't hard for me to hear the news that another one of my cousin was engaged.  In fact, I was happy about it!  It was hard to feel like maybe I wasn't supposed to be happy about it though.  It was, and is, hard to realize that people think I'm tragic; to realize that people imagine that I feel so devastated by me single status that I have lost the ability to feel happy for other people.   My mother's email is just one example of how people talk to single people, but it happens all the time.   

I think sometimes parents see their kids a reflection of them, and so, on some level, it makes sense that our parents care so much about what kind of lives we are leading.  Maybe it's embarrassing for my mother to have a single daughter in her 30's?  Maybe my single status doesn't only make me seem defective but her as well? 

Of course there are other things that might embarrass parents when it comes to their adult children, but being single is the one I'm most familiar with.  In my case, it's a somewhat interesting phenomenon, because it seemed to come out of nowhere.  My mother never pushed me to be in a relationship, in fact very much the opposite, but something happened when I turned 30.   

I think my parents always felt proud that, generally speaking, I was a pretty successful kid.  I was a decent athlete, a pretty good student, stayed out of trouble, went to college and grad school, and was a pretty likeable kid who, for the most part, did the right thing.  They probably assumed that I would continue in this fashion- get married, buy a house, have kids, etc.  I'm sure they never imagined that I would become a cautionary tale, that I would embarrass them, or that I would become an "old maid."     

Sometimes I wonder how things might change if I were to suddenly get married.  Not so much how they would change for me and the way I feel about myself, but how being married would change the way other people see and treat me.  It almost feels like it's better to be married to someone terrible than to be single in your 30's.  Is that true?  To me, that's some fucked up logic, but it certainly does feel true, at least sometimes.  

When I first started blogging I posted a review of my dating history for the past year, Dating: A brief year in review.  I'm curious, was it a mistake to leave those guys behind?  If I should be married who should I be married to?  

I realize my list only includes men from the past year and it doesn't even include all of them, so it's not a perfect list, but I'm wondering if maybe I missed something.... maybe one of those guys should be my husband.... but which one??  Any thoughts? I'm  really not opposed to help.

In closing today, I would like to congratulate all my engaged younger cousins, and also my brother and sister-in-law who are celebrating their 6th wedding anniversary today.  I love you all and I'm so happy that you have found love.  Please never hesitate to share your happy news with me, because no matter what, this old maid is behind you!  I may not have found love, but I am definitely a supporter of it.    
   
Side note: I would like clarification as to when "old maid" status officially begins, because there seems to be some disagreement.   Also, is it possible to find another name? I'm not particularly fond of "old maid." Let me know your thoughts.

Hey good lookin'

Did you ever notice that people tend to associate with others who are similarly attractive?

Recently someone was telling me that women tend to seek out friends that are the same level of attractive as they are. I guess this makes some sense, but is it true? While there’s no way to be sure, I think it feels like a pretty accurate statement.

On the other hand, I feel like I have definitely been in situations where I look around at my friends and think “yep… I am definitely bringing the average down.”  At the same time, I have been in situations where I look around at my friends and think “damn! These bitches are bus-ted!” Just kidding, I’ve never actually thought that. All my friends are extraordinarily attractive and I’m very lucky they let me hang out with them J

Anyway, just as people become friends with others on their same level, it seems like people tend to date within their same attractiveness class as well. There are certainly couples who defy social mores, so of course there is some periodic inter- attractiveness class canoodling. Sometimes the football stud really does date the artist chick and the cheerleader really does date the computer geek. It seems like this is a relatively uncommon phenomenon though. In fact, you can tell it’s a shocking occurrence, because when you see it, you comment on it. We all do.

If I really think about it, most of the guys I have dated have probably been my equal on the attractiveness scale. There are always outliers though, and you can’t forget about the outliers.

I have dated a few guys who were (are) very attractive. I say this not as a matter of opinion, but as a fact. Some of the guys I have dated have been very attractive, objectively speaking. While it’s always nice to have something pretty to look at, dating someone significantly more attractive than you does have its share of problems.

One time a girl at a bar said to the guy I was dating “this bitch?! You’re here with this bitch? She’s got a big ass and she’s wearing fucking flip flops!” In her defense, I do have a big ass and I am usually wearing flip flops. Despite her accuracy (minus the bitch thing), it still didn’t feel great. No one wants to be called out like that in front of their new gorgeous man. Not to mention at a bar full of people. Not cool.

Sometimes, no matter how attractive the guy is, it’s just not enough to compensate for other shortcomings. I dated a very attractive man once who was so dumb it became almost impossible to have a conversation with him. We ended up talking a lot about what we eating while at dinner. It was awful. I also dated a very attractive man who turned out to be a little crazy. Well, maybe more than a little crazy, this guy actually made me nervous, and guys don’t often make me nervous.

So even though it can be exciting to date a guy you have no business dating, it’s hurtful to have people constantly pointing out how much more attractive your man is than you. Also, being pretty comes with a cost. Sometimes with the pretty you get extra dose of crazy, or stupid, or some other undesirable. In general, I think we should all be a little wary of people who have gotten through life on their good looks alone. These people often seem to be lacking in other areas, it's disappointing reality.

On the other end of the spectrum we have the not so attractive guys. I have also dated a few of those. I don’t want to say they were ugly, because that seems mean and overly harsh, but they definitely weren’t head turners.

Recently I was dating a guy that I wasn’t attracted to at all. I was worried I would never feel attracted to him, but I liked him a lot and wanted to continue seeing him. I mean, how often do you meet someone you really like? And it’s not like I’m a beauty queen or anything, who am I to be so picky? I decided that looks weren’t that important, and since I liked him it made sense to continue seeing him. It also probably helped that he happened to be a very good kisser.

Anyway, the experiment was successful. The more time I spent with him the more attracted to him I became. In the end it didn’t really matter though, because after all my efforts, in turns out he wasn’t actually that interested in dating me. So there you go.

To be honest it pissed me off a little. Somehow I think it’s harder to accept that someone isn’t interested in you when they’re not that attractive. I always kind of think “really?! You’re not interested in me? Geez if I can’t even get you what’s the point?”

To be fair, I feel the same way when a guy with any major flaw isn’t interested in continuing to date me. You know, like the guy doesn’t have a job, or is addicted to heroin, or lives in his parent’s basement, or owns a cat.

As you get older and continue to see people couple off while you remain single, it’s hard not to wonder if perhaps your criteria for dating someone might be a little off. A guy you wouldn’t have noticed five years ago you’re now approaching in bars. To be fair, this guy is much easier to notice now, he’s the only other single person in the bar.

The good news, if you give it time, you can become attracted to this guy even if you weren’t attracted to him when you met. The bad news, he might not be attracted to you. Maybe you’ve lowered your standards as a matter of necessity, but that doesn’t guarantee you a man. It’s not easy to get rejected by someone you think should feel lucky just to have the opportunity to date you, but it happens.

If we’re all being honest, when it comes down to it, even though we spend a lot of time thinking about it, it probably doesn’t matter how attractive you or your partner are. In the end, we’re all gonna be old and gross anyway.  And that’s just a fact.

You have what?!

Sexually transmitted diseases (STD's) are serious business.  I myself have never had the pleasure of contracting an STD, but apparently they are pretty common, and pretty gross.

I don't know why so many people are willing to put their "parts" at risk, but I value what I have, and I really don't wanna ruin it with any weird rash or warts; and I certainly don't want to have to endure a burning sensation when I pee.  To be honest, since I've never had an STD, I can't speak to what the experience is actually like, but it sounds super unenjoyable.

There are lots of things that could be discussed when it comes to STD's but the first question I think of is do you disclose?

This question can be interpreted in two different ways.  Do you disclose, in theory, and do you disclose in actual practice.  I can answer the theory question with confidence.  You should definitely tell people you have an STD if you think you are going to have sex with them.  Definitely! 

The practice question is one I can't answer with confidence, because I'm not sure if people usually share this information or not.  Even though I don't know the answer I definitely have a hope about the answer.  I hope that most people approach the STD issue the same way that I do.  Unfortunately, the truth is, you never really can be sure and that's a little scary to think about.

Recently someone I know discovered that she had an STD.  Apparently she had been asking her doctor about her symptoms for a long time, but was told not to worry.   She finally insisted on more tests and discovered she did in fact have an STD.  It seems as though she may have contracted this several years ago but had absolutely no idea. Terrifying!

Another person I know had been dating someone for a couple of months when her partner finally disclosed that he had an STD.  While I commend this gentleman for being honest, the ideal time to discover your partner has an STD is really before you have sex with them.  I think we should all agree to this as a rule.  Cool?  Don't be gross.

I understand that telling someone you have an STD is awkward and uncomfortable, but having herpes is likely even more uncomfortable.  I mean, again, I don't know from personal experience, but it just doesn't sound like a good time, right?  I must say, herpes is an adventure I'd just as soon leave off my bucket list.  If it's true you only live once, probably best to do it genital sores free. 

If you grew up in the 80's and 90's you are likely pretty well versed in safe sex practices.  With the AIDS epidemic in full swing by the early 80's, safe sex was always a part of the conversation.  I feel like adults made it sound like you were going to die if you didn't use a condom, and maybe you would have. 

Even though we were "scared straight" as children, I feel a little bit like, as the years past, a good number of people got pretty lax in their safe sex practices.  I don't have any evidence to support this, but based on conversations I've had with people, it certainly feels true. 

Even if people do use condoms for actual intercourse are people using condoms for oral sex? Honestly, is this something people do?  It seems like you should....  I mean, if you don't want genital warts on your hoo-haa you're probably just as opposed to having them on your face and in your mouth, right?

I might be a slow learner, but it actually took me a while to understand that oral sex is the reason condom companies started making flavored condoms.  I remember going to a friend's house in 9th grade and we spent a good amount of time snooping through her older sister's room, as she was away at college.  When we found strawberry and chocolate flavored condoms I remember thinking two things 1. Oh my god how cool and scandalous is it that my friend's sister is having sex and we found all this stuff?! and 2. Huh.... I don't think my vagina can taste chocolate or strawberry... what a waste.

So we can probably all agree that STD's are scary.  Since they're scary and, I would say, undesirable, it is important to alert your partner to any potential "issues" you might have going on below the belt.  Also, get yourself tested people! It's not a big deal and if feels good to know you're working with quality parts.

Be safe out there!

Your friends hate your "boyfriend"

By the time you’re 30 you most likely have a pretty solid group of friends.  I myself feel like I have an amazing group of friends that I trust, respect, and enjoy spending time with.  I know that these people care about me and want what’s best for me.  So what happens when your friends, the people you trust the most in the world, don’t like the guy you’re dating?

We have all been in a situation where someone we’re friends with starts dating someone terrible; someone who doesn’t treat them well, or someone that just isn’t on their level.  It’s awkward and uncomfortable.  As the friend, it’s hard to know when you should put your two cents in and when you should just keep your mouth shut.  Figuring out how to tell your friend that she should get away from the guy she’s dating is an important issue to discuss, but today I want to talk about what happens when you’re the person dating the dud.

I think I'm a pretty open person, I don't take myself (or my life) too seriously, and I enjoy a good conversation.  For those reasons I'm pretty big on sharing what happens in my personal life with my friends.  I mean, I guess this is pretty obvious since I'm not only talking to my friends about my personal life, but blogging about it.  Anyway, this aspect of my life can make things complicated when I'm dating someone.  Especially when I'm dating some who might make "questionable" choices.

When your friends first become concerned about the guy you're dating, they will likely be pretty subtle about their skepticism.  You might be able to tell by the look on their face or by the questions they ask.  If you start feeling like you're defending your new man and find yourself saying things like "...but he's not a jerk, you just don't know him" you're friends are concerned.  

The line you often hear from your friends is "well, I just want you to be happy" and that's true! They're your friends!  Of course they don't want you to be unhappy.  What's more, they don't want you wasting your time with a guy who isn't right for you, and who is ultimately not going to make you happy. 

You know it's bad when you look at the guy you're dating and know that if one of your friends was dating him you would be advising her to run away.  Take your own advice girlfriend!  You know this guy isn't right for you, what are you doing?!?

I had been dating this guy who definitely raised some red flags.  I tend to have a pretty active imagination so I started trying to make sense of his odd behavior and came up with some pretty elaborate, though farfetched stories. 

One of these stories, the most ridiculous, was about how he had killed someone.  That's right people; I made up a story about how the guy I was dating could have killed someone.  I assumed that my friends would understand that I was obviously kidding and wouldn't actually think the guy I was dating killed someone.  When I realized that my obvious joke wasn't so obvious, and my friends started thinking maybe I really was dating a criminal, that's when I fully realized that my friends were not too keen on the guy I was dating.  For my friends who are reading, I really was kidding, no one killed anyone.  I just have a tendency to take things too far.  You're my friends, you should know this.    

Anyway, eventually your friends might feel like things have gone far enough and they get the courage to tell you straight up, they don't like the guy you're dating and they think you should move on.  Consider this carefully.  You're friends are taking a pretty big risk coming to you with their concerns.  All your friends want is for you to be happy.  They have no reason to trash on your guy unless they feel pretty confident that this guy is bad news.  When your closest friends are saying "you can do a lot better"  believe them.  You're friends have no reason to lie to you.

OK. Sooo let say you realize that this guy is bad news but you're in love with him anyway.  This happens.  Love can definitely make this situation more complicated.  I don't really have the patience to go into the whole love debate right now, but I will say this; love is not enough to sustain a relationship.  Love is an important ingredient, for sure, but if you're actually looking for a relationship, love without the other stuff is not good enough.

So let's take a minute to explore and review some of the reasons why you might be dating a guy who could be a murderer (I'm kidding!)  If you're dating a "questionable" guy that your friends don't approve of there are probably a couple of explanations

1. You feel like you can't do any better. This is crazy talk.  If you really can't do any better than a murderer, you might wanna take a look at yourself and make some changes.  Maybe see a therapist or something.  Also, if people in your life agreed that this loser was the best you could do, they'd probably keep their mouth shut and think "well, he's awful, but look at her! who else is going to wanna date her?"  You can do better! I would also argue that even if you can't find an awesome guy to replace the dud right away, being on your own for a little while might be a better option for you.
2. You're in love. Awwww.... love. What a wonderful thing love is.  It's all sunshine and butterfly's until your boyfriend goes off to jail for murder (again, kidding).  Love is great, everyone likes to feel love, but it is definitely not enough.  I'm not saying you have to forget about this yahoo altogether, but maybe he doesn't have to be your boyfriend.  You can love someone, and care for them, and have them be part of your life without having them be your chosen partner.  Just think about it.
3. You want to save him.  This is a trap that I probably fall into easier than most people.  I am all about helping other people.  I answer my phone in the middle of the night and would happily get out of bed to do someone a favor or listen to how they just got dumped.  I give homeless people money and sometimes stop to buy them food.  If you drop a dollar in the street, I'll run to catch up to you to return it.  I'm a Social Worker for Christ's sake.  I like helping people, and occasionally this finds its way into my dating life.  My father passed away in 2006 so I haven't been able to turn to him for advice as an adult.  Fortunately, my Dad did pass along some advice before he passed away that only now has really resonated with me.  Once when he was driving me back to my dorm in college he said "It's great that you like to help people so much. That's a great quality, and it makes me proud to be your father.  Having said that, it's not always your job to save everyone.  Help people as much as you can.  Be a good friend and a good citizen of the world.  Find a job that allows you to interact with others and gives you the opportunity to make peoples lives better.  When it comes to your life though, you shouldn't have to save anyone or fix anyone.  Do all your saving out there and allow yourself to come home to someone who is your equal, not someone who needs you to save them." This is probably some of the best advice I've ever received, and I think about that conversation often.  If you're like me, maybe this advice will be useful for you also.

Your friends hate your boyfriend and they're not afraid to say it...

Provided you haven't surrounded yourself with awful people, you should probably listen to your friends.  Of course it's not easy to admit that you're dating someone terrible.  It's also not easy to admit why you might be stuck dating someone terrible.  It is important to take a step back and consider how messed up it is to be able to make up a story about how he could have murdered someone and have people actually believe it.  You should probably consider your choices.  Life is short and sometimes the guy just isn't worth it.

What if he reads it??

This blog thing is sort of an experiment for me.  I want to try to write every day, although I'm starting to think once a week might be more realistic.  Anyway, I didn't take time to think about what I wanted this to be before I started posting things.

The process was something like this:

1. Wow I have a lot of thoughts, maybe I should write them down
2. Oh!! Look at that, I just started a blog. How unexpected.  
3. Huh.... I wrote things on the internet and now people are reading those things
4. Geez, maybe I should consider what that means....

Again, this started as an exercise.  An experiment.  Now that the experiment has begun and things are in motion it seems like I'll just have to wait and see what comes out of it.
 
I told my sister-in-law (via email) that I started a blog.  She responded right away with a lot of excitement, and encouraged me to share it with my brother as well.  A couple minutes later she emailed me again, "I just started reading, but, on second thought, maybe you shouldn't share this with your brother."  And I think she's probably right.  My brother and I are close, and he's pretty open minded, but there are something's that are probably better left unsaid between siblings.

Some of my friends started reading my blog and very quickly were able to recognize some of the people and situations I refer to in my posts.  Some of them probably even recognized themselves.  Many of these friends were curious about who I was sharing this blog with, who had read it, and what the reaction was.  Very quickly I realized that I had absolutely no idea, but it was worth considering.

While I haven't included any identifying information, since I'm writing this blog based on my life and experiences, and am therefore writing about real people and real events, people are definitely going to be able to recognize themselves.  So far there hasn't been any negative feedback about this, but I'm pretty sure that, at some point, someone is going to read something that they don't like reading. 

If you're a guy, and we've dated, something from our relationship will likely make the blog, and I'm not sure how well that's going to go over.  To be perfectly honest, I'm actually not too concerned about what guys might read on this blog, but maybe I should be.  I'd like to think that I would be able to say any of these things directly to any guy I've dated, but I'm not sure if that's really true.

On a related note, I started thinking about what happens when I start dating a brand new guy and he starts reading my blog.  I imagine it would be weird to read about how the girl you just started dating feels about the relationship.  This new guy will also get to hear about my feelings on a lot of things both related and unrelated to our relationship.  I'm not sure how finding out all this information up front might impact things, but imagine it could be a lot to take in.

I admit, writing this blog was not a very well thought out decision.  Sometimes I'm impulsive as it turns out.  Anyway, I hope that people enjoy reading my blog, because I definitely enjoy writing it.

So.... what if he reads it?? Well, hopefully any of the men this "he" could reference will understand, and will be able to enjoy the blog should they choose to read it.  And who knows, they just might learn something :)

I always encourage people to be themselves.  Even if you're a little weird, I think it's important to be yourself in the most genuine way possible.  This blog is me.  These stories are mine.  I guess I have to take my own advice and be comfortable putting my truth out into the world.  We'll see what happens.

A Follow Up: Cock Shots

I recently (yesterday) spoke to the waiter I referred to in my Sooo.... What's up with the cock shots? post via text.  Some of you might be asking why I had continued communication with this gentleman, and you're right to wonder.

I felt the need to speak to this man, because last week he sent me another unsolicited sext message.  I actually wasn’t going to write about the experience in my blog, as I felt like it went a little too far over the line, but now I think that I have to share this information with you in order to give you a context for today's post.

Ok, last week, our infamous penis waiter texted me a video clip of, what appeared to be, him masturbating.  As promised, the first thing I did upon receiving this text was to share it with my friends.  Although, for the record, I didn't actually just forward the video.  For the most part, I just shared the news that the video had been sent to me.  Though a select few, we'll call them "the lucky ones" were given full access, and did receive the forwarded masturbation video for their viewing pleasure.  Some of them appreciated it, and some of them definitely did not.  This is probably understandable.  I have never received a video like this before, and I have to say, I really, really, really hope I don’t receive another.  My friends are likely hoping I don't as well, since, in general, they see what I see.  

My approach to this issue was to completely disengage.  There are probably a lot of things I should have said to this man right away, but I honestly just didn’t want to have to have the conversation with him and, at the same time, though he brought it on himself, I didn’t want to embarrass him.  On some level I felt like he didn’t realize how inappropriate his behavior was, and for that reason, I felt a little bad.   

Anyway, when I didn’t respond, he followed up with a text, “what do you think?” What did I think? I thought the video was incredibly vile, inappropriate and shocking.  I thought, what the fuck is wrong with you?!  Even though that's what I thought, and probably he should know my thoughts on this, I didn't wanna say it, so I didn’t respond. 

After a couple days he texted me again, “do you hate me?”  At this point, it seemed clear that I couldn’t continue to ignore the problem any longer, as it didn’t seem to be going away on its own.  I texted "Big Jack" and asked him to please stop sending me pictures and videos.  He seemed to understand, and said that he wouldn’t continue to send me sext messages.  This satisfied me.  What he said next, however, really got me thinking.  He texted, “I will take you off my picture and video text list.”

WHAT???? He has a list of people he sends dick pic’s to and video clips of him masturbating? Really??  A list?? I didn’t ask him about this, though I was tempted, because I really didn’t want to get into a discussion about it, or have him mistake my disgusted curiosity with flirty banter.  I am super curious though.  Who else has been receiving these texts?  How many people are on this "sext list?"  What is the typical response to his X-rated messages?  Has no one ever responded negatively to these before?  Do people like getting them?  Am I missing something?

This is a mystery I will probably never solve, but it has left me thinking.  What kinds of things are other people into that I am not??  Are there things that I consider inappropriate or violating that other women might enjoy?  Or even look forward to?  Are there some women out there who absolutely love getting penis pictures and masturbation videos sent them on their phones?  Have I gotten this one wrong?

Maybe this all goes back to one woman.  Is there some woman out there begging men for pictures and videos of them pleasuring themselves?  If so, who is this woman?  If you are this woman and you happen to be reading this blog, I would love to have a conversation with you.  Seriously.  Also, if you love looking at penises that much I would be happy to send you some of "the good stuff" in return for your opinion on this matter.   Ladies, let me know what you're thinking.  How do we feel about cock shots and masturbation videos?  Am I just being a prude??  I encourage feedback.  Really.   

Your Guy's Friends

The other day I ran into the friend of a guy I used to date while waiting for my coffee at Statbucks.  This got me thinking about guys, their freinds, and the impact they have on a new relationship.

Meeting The Friends

The Upfront Meeting

Some guys show you their “friend hand” right away.  I went on a first date with a guy once and after dinner he invited me to a party where all his friends were going to be.  I’m pretty comfortable meeting new people so I decided to go.  It was awkward when I got to the party and realized I was actually much more attracted to, and interested in his friend. 

I’ve dated the friends of guys I have previously dated, and it’s not the best situation.  I think it’s weird for your boyfriend’s friend to be able to say the line “well, when I was sleeping with her….” Just as it’s equally weird for you to be able to say, “that’s not how (insert friend’s name here) used to do it.”  For me, that’s just too close for comfort.  It’s also hard to say to a man that just bought you dinner, “hey thanks for dinner.  I had a really great time!  I don’t think this is going to work out, but is your friend John single?”

I think it’s nice when a guy is open to having you meet his buddies in the beginning of the relationship, but meeting them right away might not be the best.  The one exception is if your first date is in some type of group setting.  Otherwise, I think it’s better to get to know the guy a little better and actually decide if you’re even interested in being part of his life before you just become instantly involved in it.

 

The Non-meeting

Sometimes guys are resistant to having you meet their friends.  I feel like this doesn’t happen super often, but I have definitely dated guys for months and never met their friends.  In this case you might wonder if your guy even has friends, and if he does, what’s wrong with you meeting them? 

The way I see it, there are 3 main reasons why the guy you’re dating doesn’t want you to meet his friends.

1. He doesn’t have any.  A friend of mine dated a guy who, it seems, actually didn’t have any friends for her to meet.  Seriously, the man didn’t have any friends.  I believe she asked him about his friend situation, and when pressured, he was able to come up with 3 friends.  A guy he knew first semester freshman year of college (12 years ago) before the guy transferred to a different school, and 2 female co-workers, one of whom, if I recall correctly, was a woman in her mid-fifties who spent most of her time couponing.  I am not making this up.  The man had 3 “friends” 2 co-workers and a guy he was friends with 12 years ago for approximately 4 months.  If the guy you're dating doesn't have friends, you should definitely be asking yourself why? It is not normal for a person to not have any friends. Red flag.  
2. He’s embarrassed by his friends or he realizes how terrible you’ll think they are and doesn’t want to expose you to that.  Sometimes guys really do have terrible friends, and perhaps it’s noble of him to consider how meeting these guys might be a terrible experience for you.  I would argue that unless this guy is planning to drop his friends altogether to be with you, even if they’re awful, you should meet them so you can at least try and learn to love them.  
3. He’s embarrassed of you, and doesn’t want his friends to know that you’re the girl he’s been spending so much time with and ditching them for.  This is quite obviously the worst reason why you’re not meeting his friends.  If you discover this is the situation, you should get yourself away from this guy ASAP.  He obviously doesn’t respect you and you deserve better.

In general, if you haven’t met your guy’s friends, and you’ve been dating a while, you should be concerned.  There is some reason why he is resistant, and most likely, in the end, you’ll discover that this man is not worth your time. 

 

Types of Friends

The Buddies

The thing that I find the most interesting about guys friends is that they are so often very different from one another.  It seems like women tend to make friends who share common interests, and women drop friends and make new friends relatively easily.  Guys seem to hold onto their friends forever.  I know I have had conversations with many guys about their friends and each time the guy seems surprised by my inquiry.

"That's your friend?"

"Yeah. Why?"

 "I don't know.... he's just not what I expected, I guess. He seems so different from you"

"Oh. Yeah, I guess. We've been friends since Kindergarten. He's my boy" 

This is the key.  Men make friends when they’re young and somehow manage to stay friends with those same guys FOREVER.  They stay friends even if they have nothing in common.  Part of the reason why men are able to do this, and women often are not, has everything to do with how differently men and women connect to their friends. 

When women get together with their friends most of their time is spent talking; catching up, gossiping, communicating, complaining about their man, getting advice, etc.  When men get together with their friends, their time is often spent engaged in some type of activity.  Perhaps they play on a baseball team, or go golfing, or fix cars together, or play video games, or even just hang out and drink beers.  Whatever the activity is men often spend a limited amount of time verbally communicating, and spend most of their time engaged in a form of “parallel play.”

For those of you unfamiliar with this term, “parallel play” is a concept that comes out of Developmental Psychology.  Parallel play is the type of play that young children (2-3 years) typically engage in, in which they play alongside each other, in similar activities, without obvious communication or interaction.

I’m sure most of us have had the experience of asking a man pretty general questions about how a friend of his is doing following a “guys' night” only to discover that he has absolutely no idea how his friend is doing.

Girl: “So how’s Jimmy doing?"

Guy: “He’s good.”

Girl: “Is he still dating that girl?”

Guy: “I don’t know.”

Girl: “Well, how are things going with his new job?”

Guy: “I don’t know.”

Girl: “Is he coming to the BBQ on Saturday?”

Guy: “Um…. I don’t know.  Probably."

Girl: “I’m sorry, didn’t you just see him? Weren’t you just at Jimmy’s house? What do you mean, you don’t know?”

Guy: “I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it.”

Girl: “Well what did you talk about?”

Guy: “God, I don’t know what we talked about.”

Girl: “Well if you didn’t talk what the hell did you do all day.”

Guy: “We just hung out.”

This conversation is in direct opposition to the conversation that occurs when a woman returns from seeing her friends.  Before the guy has the opportunity to ask anything he is usually hit with something like “Oh my God, you would not believe what Jessica told me tonight!”  This may be followed by a lengthy retelling of details from the “girls night out.”

 

Female Friends

So what about when your guy has girlfriends?  According to When Harry Met Sally, “Men and woman can never really be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.”  I’d like to think that this isn’t true.

I will say that a guy I was dating once told me that guys don’t really have female friends that they aren’t interest in sleeping with.  I believe he said, “what’s the point? When it’s more fun to hang out with guys?”  I will also say that this same guy happened to have a number of female friends.  So….. what exactly was I supposed to take away from that conversation?  What I took away was this, he would rather hang out with his male friends than me, and he was, is, or wants to have sex with all his female friends.  Again, I hope that this was specific to him and not representative of all men, because that would be terrible.

I don’t have a problem with the guy I’m dating having female friends provided the other girl isn’t a total bitch and isn’t somehow insecure or jealous.  I hate when you start dating a guy and you meet his female friend and she acts like you’re not there and/or treats your guy like he’s her boyfriend. 

One time I sat silently in the back seat of my boyfriend’s car, because his “friend” insisted on sitting shotgun the whole night and wouldn’t stop talking.  Another time, my boyfriend’s “friend” spent the entire night hanging all over him and said things like “isn’t our (insert boyfriends name here) so sweet?”  And finally, I dated a guy who had a “friend” that would call/text all night, literally ALL NIGHT when she knew he was with me.  So, provided your guy’s female friend doesn’t resemble any of the women above, meaning she isn’t just plain awful, I say it’s healthy for men to have female friends.  In fact, I encourage it.  

 

So what have we learned?

1. If you’re dating a guy he should introduce you to his friends near the beginning of the relationship, but perhaps not right away.  Also, he should be interested in doing this and not forced somehow.
2. Guys keep their friends FOREVER.  Learn to love them or hit the road.  Those dudes aren’t going anywhere.
3. Don’t get crazy and start making rules about who your man can and can’t hang out with.  If he has female friends, meet them and have an open mind.  They may legitimately just be friends.  If it turns out they’re awful (like those described above) talk to your guy about it.  He should be able to recognize the issue and make necessary adjustments.  If you continue to feel uncomfortable and nothing changes, trust your gut, and walk.  

The Number Game

Ok, let’s talk numbers. 

We all have a number.  Some of us can give our number without even thinking about it.  Some of us need to take a minute to review.  Some of us may need to elicit the help of others to accurately obtain our number.  Some of us can give an educated guess.  And some of us have absolutely no idea and wouldn’t be able to come up with a solid number if our lives depended on it.  No matter what your specific number is, or which category you fall into, the one thing we all share is that we have a number.  So how important is this number?

I lost my virginity at 17, which seems pretty average (maybe on the low end of average for women of my generation).  I remember at the time thinking that sex was kind of a big deal, and dated my boyfriend for a year before we “did it.” Being young and not having prior experience meant that waiting wasn’t so hard.  Well, it wasn’t so hard for me…  I guess it might have been hard for him, or at least harder.  Maybe I’ll ask him about that. (Please note, by "hard" I mean difficult.) 

Anyway, I remember thinking I was so mature and realistic about sex and figured that I would probably have a few more sexual partners before I got married and settled down.  Three was the number I came up with.  Three. 

I had already slept with my high school boyfriend, and I figured I’d probably have a boyfriend in college who I would sleep with, and would maybe have one other guy in there somewhere.  This also means that I imagined that I would end up marrying my high school boyfriend, my college boyfriend, or whatever random guy took that third open spot.
 
I’m now 31, which means I have been “sexually active” (sometimes more active than other times) for 14 years.  That’s nearly half my life.  Without talking specifics, my well thought out sex plan of 3, was not very realistic. 

To be honest, I actually adjusted this number in college after my boyfriend and I broke up, and I realized I had already reached my 3.  I cautiously increased my limit to 5, figuring the “one hand rule” made a lot of sense.  That number has since also gone out the window.  I decided at that point that setting limits just didn’t make a whole lot of sense, because what happens when I reach the limit? I go back and “re-do” people? Stop having sex completely? Just keep setting arbitrary limits for myself? What? 

Once you have sex for the first time, barring any renewed religiosity and “born again” bullshit, you will continue to have sex (no offense if you’re “saving” yourself for marriage, re-virginizing yourself, or what have you, because it’s what Jesus would have wanted.  Good for you!  I just don’t buy it).  So once you have sex for the first time, not only will you continue to have sex, but it will probably happen sooner into the relationship than it did when you had your first go round.  Therefore your number might increase at a much faster rate than you had anticipated.

A number you may have lied about a few years ago in one direction, you now may find yourself lying about in the other direction.  What you once tried to play up, you might now try to play down.  I’m pretty honest about my number, should anyone show interest in that type of statistic, but I understand why a lot of people probably aren’t.  No one wants to think of themselves as a dirty whore. Well, the majority of people don’t, Am I right?

So how much does this number actually matter?? I would have to say it doesn’t really matter at all.  Provided you’re making good sexual choices, who cares how many partners you’ve had. 

Maybe I should be clear about what I mean by “good sexual choices.”  Are you being selective about your partners? Are you choosing to have sex and not having it forced upon you? Do you practice safe sex? Do you get tested for STD’s? Do you feel comfortable talking to your partner about sex, pregnancy, STD’s, etc.? If you can answer yes to these questions most of the time, then I say do what you want.

As a side note, some of these things are things to think about (talk about) before you have sex.  I hooked up with a guy once and afterwards he said “do you have any STD’s?” I couldn’t help but kind of laugh.  I was tempted to lie and say that I did just to make him nervous, and point out how ridiculous it is to ask someone that after you’ve already hooked up, but then I thought "who lies about having an STD when they don’t?  That’s crazy.  And gross."  

Sex is a normal part of life, and people who have regular sex are healthier and happier than those who don’t (that is fact, not opinion).  I say stop worrying about your number and just live the life you want to live. 

If you meet someone and want to have sex with them, do it.  If you don't want to have sex with them, don't do it.  If someone asks you for your number and you don’t want to give it, don’t.  If you do reveal your number and people judge you or shame you, fuck them! Not literally.  Well, maybe literally…. Depends on the circumstances, I guess.  Ok, if someone shames you, ignore them, because they’re an asshole, and then, depending on the circumstance, make a good choice about literally fucking them or not.

So how much does your number matter? Not at all.  Well, unless you let it matter, so don't let it.  Whether your number is zero or in the triple digits, live the life you want to live, and stop worrying about it.

Sex and Drinking: A perfect match. Or is it?

I was thinking about the connection between sex and drinking the other day.  Perhaps I'm in the minority (though I doubt it), but it seems like alcohol is an important ingredient to making "sexy time" happen.  

I had been dating a guy for several weeks last summer when he mentioned that we had never had sex sober before.  While I knew that this was true, him saying it to me was somewhat alarming.  I tend to be an over thinker, and I spend my days "therapizing" others, so the idea that I was only having sex when I was drinking seemed problematic.

Is it some type of relationship milestone when you finally have sober sex with the person you're dating? Perhaps.  Maybe there is something significant about liking someone enough to take your clothes off (and allow them to take their clothes off) when you don't have the safety of being intoxicated.

It's an interesting phenomenon.  I know that I'm probably not at my best after a few cocktails, so deciding that's the time when I'm going to put myself out there for sex seems unwise.  Also, I find the sex to be much more... er... difficult after knocking back a few.  I guess somewhere along the way (college) sex and alcohol became inextricably linked, and it's a hard bond to break.

It actually goes farther than sex though.  I believe that every first kiss I have had for the past 12 years has occurred following a cocktail.  I'm not saying I'm shitfaced every time I hook up with someone, but I'm definitely not sober.  I think the only guy I have ever had a sober start with is my high school boyfriend, and that's really only because I didn't drink in high school.    

If you're sleeping with someone and you're always drunk (or drinking) when you "do it," I would recommend that you carefully consider this relationship.  Is this someone you can imagine having sex with sans liquor? If not, this is probably someone you shouldn't be sleeping with on the regular.  Also, I would argue that if you're only having sex with the person you're "dating" when you drunk, you're definitely not in a relationship.

I'm an alcohol supporter for sure, but sometimes alcohol can make things seems much different than they really are. Things (and people) that under normal circumstances might only mildly impress you, can seem amazing under the influence of alcohol.  This is something to consider when it comes to sex and dating.

If you're currently dating someone I encourage you to put a cork in the wine and try doing it sober. Who knows, you might like it.  Although, I guess it is possible you could hate it, and realize that you've been sleeping with the wrong person.  In that case, you can thank me for alerting you to this issue and for helping you get out. Cheers!

Relationship Labels

I’m actually not one who is big on labeling... Well, unless the labeling we’re referring to is the kind you do with a label maker, in which case I’m actually all about it! 

Anyway, it seems as though most women prefer to have labels for their relationships, and I imagine that my resistance to this probably indicates that there is something “wrong” with me.  I have never initiated the “where is this going?” conversation or “the talk” as we colloquially refer to it.

I’m not even really sure why I’m not big into having “the talk,” but I think it’s partly because I have absolutely no idea where this is going and initiating the conversation would mean that I would have to have some idea, and be able to articulate what I was hoping to get from the relationship.  In most cases I’m not prepared to do that, because I have absolutely no idea. 

I have regularly had people ask me “so what are you guys?” and the response is usually “I don’t know.”  Do I need to know? It seems like a lot of people who label their relationships, which indicates they know “where they’re going,” are often surprised by where the relationship actually goes.  It seems as though having the label doesn’t really help you at all, and in some cases might actually be harmful.

Of course if you don’t have a label on your relationship you do run the risk of miscommunicating.  You might think you’re in a type of committed relationship and the guy might think you’re just having casual sex, and is maybe having casual sex with a lot of people. (The term “casual sex” is one I’ll need to return to later, because I would argue that any situation that requires me to take off my underwear is surly not casual at all.)

Having the label makes us feel safe, but does it really change anything?  Just because you throw the term “boyfriend” on the guy you’re seeing doesn’t necessarily mean that anything has really changed.  If you’re with a guy who sleeps around, he’s most likely still going to sleep around whether he’s sporting the boyfriend label or not.

I guess the advantage of the label is that if you do find out he’s sleeping around you have just cause to freak out, and if you’ve left him label-less you don’t really have a leg to stand on.  On the other hand, finding out your boyfriend is cheating on you can be quite shocking and devastating.  Finding out the guy you’ve been hanging out with is sleeping with other people without your knowledge, while upsetting for sure, is arguably far less shocking and likely not devastating.

I think a lot of times we go to the labels not because it actually helps the relationship in any way, but because it makes us feel better.  It’s fun to tell a story and be able to say “my boyfriend” instead of saying “the guy that I’m kind of seeing.”

This might become more of an issue in your 30’s because by 30 society tells us that we should have this stuff somewhat figured out.  It’s ok to casually date when you’re younger, but by 30 you should be serious about it, your biological clock is ticking and such.  

Also, people get excited about changing their Facebook status to “in a relationship.” We need the label so we can announce it publicly, so that people congratulate us and say nice things on our wall.

Being able to put that label on someone makes us feel better about ourselves.  It’s our way of letting the world know that someone cares about us, that someone loves us, that someone actually gets excited about taking their clothes off with us.  Being “in a relationship” is seen as more positive than being “single” and that’s why we feel the need to have “the talk” and put that label on as quickly as possible.


“Don’t worry you’ll find someone.”

I hate when people say that! Maybe I have found someone and maybe I just don’t feel the need to advertise it. Or maybe I don’t want someone.  Or maybe I look at you, in your labeled relationship, and think it seems awful. 

Saying to a single person “don’t worry you’ll find someone” is just as bad as a single person saying to a couple “don’t worry this won’t last.” Would anyone ever say that?? No, no one would say that. So why do I have to respect your relationship, but its ok for you to shame me?  Being single isn’t a terrible thing and I’m tired of people making it seem like it is.

I also don’t know why it’s anyone's business what my relationship status is.  I’m not sure why it’s important for us to advertise this information.  I know I’m in the minority on this one, but I can’t imagine ever posting my relationship status on Facebook.  I just don’t buy into any sort of public declaration like that (well, unless its in blog form i guess J)

Taking it a step further, I’m not even sure how comfortable I would be sporting a big engagement ring, or any engagement ring for that matter (should I ever get engaged).  I’m not sure having other people know that someone asked me to marry them is something that matters to me.  To me, it’s just another way of labeling that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Some would argue that you wear the ring because that lets the world know you’re taken, but why is that important?  Is it so other men will know not to hit on you? Because in my experience most men don’t care if you’re wearing a ring or not.  If they want to hit on you, they’re going to. 

Also, I have it on good authority that some men actually find women who are “taken” even more desirable, and are actually more likely to put the moves on if they think another guy has already claimed you.  Furthermore, is a woman not capable of telling a man that hits on her that she’s not interested? She needs a ring to protect her? or a label to protect her? Really??

So if labels don’t actually help your relationship, and they don’t deter others from hitting on you, and they don’t prevent infidelity, and in fact might actually have the opposite effect, why are we so label happy?

I do think its important for people to communicate about what their expectations are and what the boundaries are, but maybe we should just have that conversation and leave the labeling out if it altogether.  Maybe we should stop trying to force things and just let them unfold on their own.  I'm certainly no expert, but it seems worth thinking about.

Meeting Someone

Realizing you’re 30 (technically 31 in my case) and single creates anxiety even when you’re not sure exactly what you want.  All of a sudden things feel desperate even if they’re not.  Perhaps you start questioning yourself personally, or the choices you’ve made, and undoubtedly you look for new ways to meet someone.  Sometimes I envy people who met in college.  What a great time to meet someone! You know when it’s not a great time to meet someone? When you’re 30.

The Set-up

Occasionally, your friends try to save you from your singleness and set you up.  In the beginning this is an enticing offer.  Maybe I’ll meet the man of my dreams and all I have to do is show up.  This friend of mine who is “setting me up” has obviously taken the time to find a man who is “perfect” for me! It’s like having my very own matchmaker! You’re willing to overlook the awkwardness of a set-up, because you trust your friend.  You imagine that he/she has somehow just been hiding this amazing person who is perfect for you.

Quickly you learn, however, that the only criteria your friend used to set you up is the fact that you’re single.  Being single is not a characteristic that makes 2 people compatible.  Obviously when you meet someone you’re interested in dating, you hope that they are also single, but simply being single is not enough on its own.  Sometimes a set-up can make you wonder what your friends really think about you. This guy?? This is the guy you see me with? Maybe we aren’t friends….

Now that I know the criteria my friends use to set me up, I’m generally less excited to be involved. You can’t actually completely turn down the offer to be set up though, because there is always that voice in your head that says “what if this time it works!”  It always ends up being a guy who lives with his parents, just got out of rehab, doesn’t know what NPR is, or who is extremely socially awkward, but you can’t just say no outright, because what are your other options?

 

Online Dating

“This is how people do it now.” I feel like I hear people say that all the time.  I remember when online dating began, and I remember thinking “what kind of losers turn to the internet to find a date?” Obviously the world of online dating has changed a lot and actually has become one of the main routes people take on their search for a mate.  It’s not just for losers anymore.  Almost everyone I know who has found themselves single over the age of 20 has tried, or at least seriously considered trying online dating.

I guess the concept makes sense, but I’m still not a big fan of the online dating scene.  If you think about it, it’s a really awkward way to meet people.  Let’s all stay home, sit at our computes and spend our time writing detailed profiles about ourselves and reading through the profiles of others, so that we can exchange awkward emails and maybe a phone call or two before scheduling to meet at a public place (safety first) so we can essentially interview each other as if we’re both applying for jobs.  Sometimes you don’t even know what “job” you’re interviewing for. You might think it’s a girlfriend position, but the only job available might be a sex position.  Perhaps this guy is just looking for someone to temporarily take on the “Hand” or “Blow” positions at his “company.”

I also imagine that a good number of people lie on their online dating profile.  It’s hard not to.  Once you see your stats all written out in black and white it can be a little depressing.  As it turns out most of us aren’t leading super exciting lives.  We go to work, we see our friends, travel a little, have a hobby, but that’s kind of it.  Looking at your boring life profile, the only tool people will have to see what kind of person you are, your singleness can start to make a whole lot of sense.  I also feel like I don’t translate well over the internet.  I’m much more interesting, and clever, and cute, and funny in person. Right? As it turns out, maybe not. And don’t get me started on the pictures.

Over the years I have tried 3 different online dating websites.  I pretty much hated them all. 

Match

I started with Match, and I felt like it took a lot of time, a definite issue for me.  Also, when filling out your profile, there are all these little boxes you can check off with things you like or are interested in. Many of these things, most of us probably don’t have strong feelings about, but you check the boxes anyway, because you’re asked to. Turns out, this is how “matches” are created for you. 

“Erin, meet Rob!  He also like's dogs and enjoys weightlifting!”

WHAT?!?! A person who also likes dogs?! That IS a super hard characteristic to find in another person, and is definitely the glue that holds couples together.  Weightlifting? Did I check off that I like weightlifting? Huh… turns out I did.  Since I go to the gym and lift weights when I’m there it seemed appropriate to check the box.  Had I known that this was the box Match was going to pay the most attention to; perhaps I would have considered not checking it.

EHarmony

EHarmony makes you fill out this super long compatibility test before you even get to create your profile.  Am I the only person who panics a little when filling out those kinds of tests?  I feel like many times I’m not really sure how to answer the questions and then I worry about not being connected with the right people, because I’m an idiot when it comes to filling out the test.  It also makes me wonder why the questions aren’t easier for me to answer.  I can’t like going out on the weekends and also sometimes enjoy staying in? I have to pick one? Are most of us so set on our likes and dislikes? Maybe I don’t really know myself at all? Maybe that’s why I’m single…..

Plenty of Fish

It’s free!  Since I’m not a fan of other people making money off my misfortunes in love, the free, is a big draw for me.  Turns out, it’s a big draw for a lot of people.  Using POF I was overwhelmed by all the interest my profile was generating.  How exciting! Until I realized that most of the people showing interest in me were people I had no interest in dating. I also had to scan through lots of people wearing not a lot of clothes. You really do have great abs, sir, but I'm not sure that's what is going to make us compatible. I don't even have abs. So that was a bust too.

 

So you're in your 30's you messed up and didn't meet someone in college, you've done the set-ups and the online dating, and the bar scene and you have nothing to show for it. Well, maybe not nothing. I mean, look at me, I have lots of stories, and now I’m writing a blog. That's kind of something....

My 18-year-old Sex and the City watching self (read "why blog") is embarrassed for me. She is super embarrassed for me. Sigh.....