A Relationship Expert?

Over the weekend I got en email from a woman who has been reading my blog.  She wanted to interview me for a story she's doing about dating.  In the email, she referred to me as a "relationship expert." 

A relationship expert?  Hmmm.... umm.... really??  Has she not been paying attention?  When did multiple failed relationships, numerous horrific first dates with weirdoes, and a small, but growing, library of cock shots make you a relationship expert?  I mean, cool... but, really??

I guess if you want to get technical, I am somewhat of an "expert" when it comes to other people's relationships, as I am a therapist.   Being a good therapist, however, has little to do with how you function in your own life, at least to some extent.   I mean, obviously you have to be a pretty functional person to be a therapist, but that doesn't mean you're free of problems; not even close. 

I think it's so interesting that our ability to help others has almost no bearing on our ability to help ourselves.  I constantly have people coming to me for advice and insight.  Seriously, all the time people are telling me their story and asking for my suggestions.  While I'm always happy to listen, and happy to help, sometimes it surprises me that people look to me for my advice. 

I guess I feel this mostly in my personal life, because I actually feel pretty good about work.  When it comes to my personal life though, I think my suspicion is due to the fact that I know that the people asking for advice are pretty well aware of my life situation. 

When people say "I really need to talk to you" or "I really need your advice," for at least a second, I'm thinking, "uhhh really? You want my advice on this situation? But look at me!"

Needless to say, no matter what goes down in my own life I have somehow gained the respect of my peers enough, that no matter what mistakes I make, they are not deterred from spilling their guts to me and taking my solid(?) advice.

Now, it seems, not only are my friends willing to overlook my personal shortcomings in order to receive my feedback, so are a lot of other people.  Thank goodness that all it takes is a blog, some strong opinions, mistakes, and a couple funny stories to make you an expert on something.  To be honest, I actually feel really worried that anyone thinks I know anything, about anything.

I'm moderately smart, and arguably well adjusted, but that doesn't mean I really know anything.  Does anyone else feel like they have absolutely no idea what they're doing? Or what's going on?  I feel like a good amount of the time I'm kind of just pretending I know what's going on and what I'm supposed to do.

As a child, I remember looking up to adults and being in awe of their vast wisdom and knowledge.  Now that I'm, technically, an adult, I'm a little bit like, "um.. excuse me...where is all my wisdom and knowledge?  Hello?  But I don't know anything!  Hello?  Anyone? Hellllloo?"  Then I kind of look around and realize I better just smile and pretend before everyone recognizes that I'm just a poser.

I feel like I had the expectation that when I grew up I would know things, and have answers to things, and truly be an "expert," but it seems that the older I get, the more questions I have and the more lost I feel. 

It's interesting to think that everyone else kind of feels the same way sometimes.  Occationally I think about my parents, and think, OK, they played it pretty cool, but there is no way they actually knew what they were doing in that situation.  No. Way. 

And that's the thing; we all play it pretty cool.  I'm playin' it cool enough that people actually think I know something! And want to interview me about it!  Really! 

It's scary to think that we're all running around doing stuff, and literally no one really knows what the fuck they're doing, or what the point of all of this is, or if there even is a point for that matter.  I guess the only thing we can know for sure, is that we don't know anything.  And that's my "expert" opinion. 

Yowzers! I guess I'll end it there today with that comforting thought.  You're welcome.  Peace.         
 

"This might be hard for you to hear"

The other day my mother sent me an email that started like this “I know this might be very hard for you to hear, but I would rather it come from me.”

Attention grabbing, right?  An opening like that makes you think someone is going to tell you they have cancer, or that you were really adopted, or that you were born a boy.  An opening like that creates anxiety.  So what was my mother emailing to tell me?  Before I answer, let me give you some background information.

I have a large extended family.  My mother is the oldest of six and there are 14 grandchildren.  My brother is oldest grandchild and I am the second.  Being one of the oldest there are a lot of things that I got to do first and I imagine the expectation was that I would get married first as well.  A logical assumption.  So let’s go through the list of granchildren and see where I come in.

My brother - Married
Me - Single (of course)
Cousin B: Engaged
Cousin K: Engaged
Cousin J: Engaged and has a baby
Cousin T: Lives with long term boyfriend
Cousin L: Engaged

The rest of my cousins are still college age or younger.  If you're keeping track, the best I can probably do in the race to marital bliss, in my family, is seventh.  Seventh.  Middle of the pack.  Well, unless I get serious and make some pretty big moves in the coming months.  For those of you who have been paying attention, this seems pretty unlikely.  You don't often move quickly from cock shots to engagement rings, I expect.

Ok, so now that you have some background, let’s talk about the email.  My mother emailed me not to give me some horrible news or to reveal a dark family secret, but instead, to tell me about one of the above listed engagements.  The email was meant to deliver, what most of us would consider to be, happy news.  So why begin an otherwise happy email in such a dark way?

After my mother sent me this personalized "step away from the ledge" email, she sent another email that also included my brother and sister-in-law to officially report the engagement news.  It felt like my mother wanted to make sure I didn’t completely lose my mind upon receiving the news before she made the rest of the family aware in a group email.  Why else would she feel like she had to email me a private pre-announcement email with the news?  

Do I seem like the kind of person who is so wrapped up in my own relationship status that I can’t be happy for others?  

Here's the thing, I don't consider myself to be a very jealous person.  I actually really do feel genuinely happy for other people when they have success, or good fortune, or happy news.  Of course there are definitely times when I think “damn, I wish I had that,” but never in a way that overshadows my happiness for them.  Never in way that makes me want it so much that I wish they didn’t have it.

When someone reports happy relationship news, it’s not the actual news that upsets me it’s the way the news is delivered.  People deliver happy relationship news to single people like their giving a death sentence.  I didn’t feel bad about myself before, but now that you’ve prefaced your news with “I know this might be hard for you to hear” and ended it with “don’t worry you’ll find someone” I feel somehow defective.

It actually wasn't hard for me to hear the news that another one of my cousin was engaged.  In fact, I was happy about it!  It was hard to feel like maybe I wasn't supposed to be happy about it though.  It was, and is, hard to realize that people think I'm tragic; to realize that people imagine that I feel so devastated by me single status that I have lost the ability to feel happy for other people.   My mother's email is just one example of how people talk to single people, but it happens all the time.   

I think sometimes parents see their kids a reflection of them, and so, on some level, it makes sense that our parents care so much about what kind of lives we are leading.  Maybe it's embarrassing for my mother to have a single daughter in her 30's?  Maybe my single status doesn't only make me seem defective but her as well? 

Of course there are other things that might embarrass parents when it comes to their adult children, but being single is the one I'm most familiar with.  In my case, it's a somewhat interesting phenomenon, because it seemed to come out of nowhere.  My mother never pushed me to be in a relationship, in fact very much the opposite, but something happened when I turned 30.   

I think my parents always felt proud that, generally speaking, I was a pretty successful kid.  I was a decent athlete, a pretty good student, stayed out of trouble, went to college and grad school, and was a pretty likeable kid who, for the most part, did the right thing.  They probably assumed that I would continue in this fashion- get married, buy a house, have kids, etc.  I'm sure they never imagined that I would become a cautionary tale, that I would embarrass them, or that I would become an "old maid."     

Sometimes I wonder how things might change if I were to suddenly get married.  Not so much how they would change for me and the way I feel about myself, but how being married would change the way other people see and treat me.  It almost feels like it's better to be married to someone terrible than to be single in your 30's.  Is that true?  To me, that's some fucked up logic, but it certainly does feel true, at least sometimes.  

When I first started blogging I posted a review of my dating history for the past year, Dating: A brief year in review.  I'm curious, was it a mistake to leave those guys behind?  If I should be married who should I be married to?  

I realize my list only includes men from the past year and it doesn't even include all of them, so it's not a perfect list, but I'm wondering if maybe I missed something.... maybe one of those guys should be my husband.... but which one??  Any thoughts? I'm  really not opposed to help.

In closing today, I would like to congratulate all my engaged younger cousins, and also my brother and sister-in-law who are celebrating their 6th wedding anniversary today.  I love you all and I'm so happy that you have found love.  Please never hesitate to share your happy news with me, because no matter what, this old maid is behind you!  I may not have found love, but I am definitely a supporter of it.    
   
Side note: I would like clarification as to when "old maid" status officially begins, because there seems to be some disagreement.   Also, is it possible to find another name? I'm not particularly fond of "old maid." Let me know your thoughts.

Hey good lookin'

Did you ever notice that people tend to associate with others who are similarly attractive?

Recently someone was telling me that women tend to seek out friends that are the same level of attractive as they are. I guess this makes some sense, but is it true? While there’s no way to be sure, I think it feels like a pretty accurate statement.

On the other hand, I feel like I have definitely been in situations where I look around at my friends and think “yep… I am definitely bringing the average down.”  At the same time, I have been in situations where I look around at my friends and think “damn! These bitches are bus-ted!” Just kidding, I’ve never actually thought that. All my friends are extraordinarily attractive and I’m very lucky they let me hang out with them J

Anyway, just as people become friends with others on their same level, it seems like people tend to date within their same attractiveness class as well. There are certainly couples who defy social mores, so of course there is some periodic inter- attractiveness class canoodling. Sometimes the football stud really does date the artist chick and the cheerleader really does date the computer geek. It seems like this is a relatively uncommon phenomenon though. In fact, you can tell it’s a shocking occurrence, because when you see it, you comment on it. We all do.

If I really think about it, most of the guys I have dated have probably been my equal on the attractiveness scale. There are always outliers though, and you can’t forget about the outliers.

I have dated a few guys who were (are) very attractive. I say this not as a matter of opinion, but as a fact. Some of the guys I have dated have been very attractive, objectively speaking. While it’s always nice to have something pretty to look at, dating someone significantly more attractive than you does have its share of problems.

One time a girl at a bar said to the guy I was dating “this bitch?! You’re here with this bitch? She’s got a big ass and she’s wearing fucking flip flops!” In her defense, I do have a big ass and I am usually wearing flip flops. Despite her accuracy (minus the bitch thing), it still didn’t feel great. No one wants to be called out like that in front of their new gorgeous man. Not to mention at a bar full of people. Not cool.

Sometimes, no matter how attractive the guy is, it’s just not enough to compensate for other shortcomings. I dated a very attractive man once who was so dumb it became almost impossible to have a conversation with him. We ended up talking a lot about what we eating while at dinner. It was awful. I also dated a very attractive man who turned out to be a little crazy. Well, maybe more than a little crazy, this guy actually made me nervous, and guys don’t often make me nervous.

So even though it can be exciting to date a guy you have no business dating, it’s hurtful to have people constantly pointing out how much more attractive your man is than you. Also, being pretty comes with a cost. Sometimes with the pretty you get extra dose of crazy, or stupid, or some other undesirable. In general, I think we should all be a little wary of people who have gotten through life on their good looks alone. These people often seem to be lacking in other areas, it's disappointing reality.

On the other end of the spectrum we have the not so attractive guys. I have also dated a few of those. I don’t want to say they were ugly, because that seems mean and overly harsh, but they definitely weren’t head turners.

Recently I was dating a guy that I wasn’t attracted to at all. I was worried I would never feel attracted to him, but I liked him a lot and wanted to continue seeing him. I mean, how often do you meet someone you really like? And it’s not like I’m a beauty queen or anything, who am I to be so picky? I decided that looks weren’t that important, and since I liked him it made sense to continue seeing him. It also probably helped that he happened to be a very good kisser.

Anyway, the experiment was successful. The more time I spent with him the more attracted to him I became. In the end it didn’t really matter though, because after all my efforts, in turns out he wasn’t actually that interested in dating me. So there you go.

To be honest it pissed me off a little. Somehow I think it’s harder to accept that someone isn’t interested in you when they’re not that attractive. I always kind of think “really?! You’re not interested in me? Geez if I can’t even get you what’s the point?”

To be fair, I feel the same way when a guy with any major flaw isn’t interested in continuing to date me. You know, like the guy doesn’t have a job, or is addicted to heroin, or lives in his parent’s basement, or owns a cat.

As you get older and continue to see people couple off while you remain single, it’s hard not to wonder if perhaps your criteria for dating someone might be a little off. A guy you wouldn’t have noticed five years ago you’re now approaching in bars. To be fair, this guy is much easier to notice now, he’s the only other single person in the bar.

The good news, if you give it time, you can become attracted to this guy even if you weren’t attracted to him when you met. The bad news, he might not be attracted to you. Maybe you’ve lowered your standards as a matter of necessity, but that doesn’t guarantee you a man. It’s not easy to get rejected by someone you think should feel lucky just to have the opportunity to date you, but it happens.

If we’re all being honest, when it comes down to it, even though we spend a lot of time thinking about it, it probably doesn’t matter how attractive you or your partner are. In the end, we’re all gonna be old and gross anyway.  And that’s just a fact.

You have what?!

Sexually transmitted diseases (STD's) are serious business.  I myself have never had the pleasure of contracting an STD, but apparently they are pretty common, and pretty gross.

I don't know why so many people are willing to put their "parts" at risk, but I value what I have, and I really don't wanna ruin it with any weird rash or warts; and I certainly don't want to have to endure a burning sensation when I pee.  To be honest, since I've never had an STD, I can't speak to what the experience is actually like, but it sounds super unenjoyable.

There are lots of things that could be discussed when it comes to STD's but the first question I think of is do you disclose?

This question can be interpreted in two different ways.  Do you disclose, in theory, and do you disclose in actual practice.  I can answer the theory question with confidence.  You should definitely tell people you have an STD if you think you are going to have sex with them.  Definitely! 

The practice question is one I can't answer with confidence, because I'm not sure if people usually share this information or not.  Even though I don't know the answer I definitely have a hope about the answer.  I hope that most people approach the STD issue the same way that I do.  Unfortunately, the truth is, you never really can be sure and that's a little scary to think about.

Recently someone I know discovered that she had an STD.  Apparently she had been asking her doctor about her symptoms for a long time, but was told not to worry.   She finally insisted on more tests and discovered she did in fact have an STD.  It seems as though she may have contracted this several years ago but had absolutely no idea. Terrifying!

Another person I know had been dating someone for a couple of months when her partner finally disclosed that he had an STD.  While I commend this gentleman for being honest, the ideal time to discover your partner has an STD is really before you have sex with them.  I think we should all agree to this as a rule.  Cool?  Don't be gross.

I understand that telling someone you have an STD is awkward and uncomfortable, but having herpes is likely even more uncomfortable.  I mean, again, I don't know from personal experience, but it just doesn't sound like a good time, right?  I must say, herpes is an adventure I'd just as soon leave off my bucket list.  If it's true you only live once, probably best to do it genital sores free. 

If you grew up in the 80's and 90's you are likely pretty well versed in safe sex practices.  With the AIDS epidemic in full swing by the early 80's, safe sex was always a part of the conversation.  I feel like adults made it sound like you were going to die if you didn't use a condom, and maybe you would have. 

Even though we were "scared straight" as children, I feel a little bit like, as the years past, a good number of people got pretty lax in their safe sex practices.  I don't have any evidence to support this, but based on conversations I've had with people, it certainly feels true. 

Even if people do use condoms for actual intercourse are people using condoms for oral sex? Honestly, is this something people do?  It seems like you should....  I mean, if you don't want genital warts on your hoo-haa you're probably just as opposed to having them on your face and in your mouth, right?

I might be a slow learner, but it actually took me a while to understand that oral sex is the reason condom companies started making flavored condoms.  I remember going to a friend's house in 9th grade and we spent a good amount of time snooping through her older sister's room, as she was away at college.  When we found strawberry and chocolate flavored condoms I remember thinking two things 1. Oh my god how cool and scandalous is it that my friend's sister is having sex and we found all this stuff?! and 2. Huh.... I don't think my vagina can taste chocolate or strawberry... what a waste.

So we can probably all agree that STD's are scary.  Since they're scary and, I would say, undesirable, it is important to alert your partner to any potential "issues" you might have going on below the belt.  Also, get yourself tested people! It's not a big deal and if feels good to know you're working with quality parts.

Be safe out there!

Your friends hate your "boyfriend"

By the time you’re 30 you most likely have a pretty solid group of friends.  I myself feel like I have an amazing group of friends that I trust, respect, and enjoy spending time with.  I know that these people care about me and want what’s best for me.  So what happens when your friends, the people you trust the most in the world, don’t like the guy you’re dating?

We have all been in a situation where someone we’re friends with starts dating someone terrible; someone who doesn’t treat them well, or someone that just isn’t on their level.  It’s awkward and uncomfortable.  As the friend, it’s hard to know when you should put your two cents in and when you should just keep your mouth shut.  Figuring out how to tell your friend that she should get away from the guy she’s dating is an important issue to discuss, but today I want to talk about what happens when you’re the person dating the dud.

I think I'm a pretty open person, I don't take myself (or my life) too seriously, and I enjoy a good conversation.  For those reasons I'm pretty big on sharing what happens in my personal life with my friends.  I mean, I guess this is pretty obvious since I'm not only talking to my friends about my personal life, but blogging about it.  Anyway, this aspect of my life can make things complicated when I'm dating someone.  Especially when I'm dating some who might make "questionable" choices.

When your friends first become concerned about the guy you're dating, they will likely be pretty subtle about their skepticism.  You might be able to tell by the look on their face or by the questions they ask.  If you start feeling like you're defending your new man and find yourself saying things like "...but he's not a jerk, you just don't know him" you're friends are concerned.  

The line you often hear from your friends is "well, I just want you to be happy" and that's true! They're your friends!  Of course they don't want you to be unhappy.  What's more, they don't want you wasting your time with a guy who isn't right for you, and who is ultimately not going to make you happy. 

You know it's bad when you look at the guy you're dating and know that if one of your friends was dating him you would be advising her to run away.  Take your own advice girlfriend!  You know this guy isn't right for you, what are you doing?!?

I had been dating this guy who definitely raised some red flags.  I tend to have a pretty active imagination so I started trying to make sense of his odd behavior and came up with some pretty elaborate, though farfetched stories. 

One of these stories, the most ridiculous, was about how he had killed someone.  That's right people; I made up a story about how the guy I was dating could have killed someone.  I assumed that my friends would understand that I was obviously kidding and wouldn't actually think the guy I was dating killed someone.  When I realized that my obvious joke wasn't so obvious, and my friends started thinking maybe I really was dating a criminal, that's when I fully realized that my friends were not too keen on the guy I was dating.  For my friends who are reading, I really was kidding, no one killed anyone.  I just have a tendency to take things too far.  You're my friends, you should know this.    

Anyway, eventually your friends might feel like things have gone far enough and they get the courage to tell you straight up, they don't like the guy you're dating and they think you should move on.  Consider this carefully.  You're friends are taking a pretty big risk coming to you with their concerns.  All your friends want is for you to be happy.  They have no reason to trash on your guy unless they feel pretty confident that this guy is bad news.  When your closest friends are saying "you can do a lot better"  believe them.  You're friends have no reason to lie to you.

OK. Sooo let say you realize that this guy is bad news but you're in love with him anyway.  This happens.  Love can definitely make this situation more complicated.  I don't really have the patience to go into the whole love debate right now, but I will say this; love is not enough to sustain a relationship.  Love is an important ingredient, for sure, but if you're actually looking for a relationship, love without the other stuff is not good enough.

So let's take a minute to explore and review some of the reasons why you might be dating a guy who could be a murderer (I'm kidding!)  If you're dating a "questionable" guy that your friends don't approve of there are probably a couple of explanations

1. You feel like you can't do any better. This is crazy talk.  If you really can't do any better than a murderer, you might wanna take a look at yourself and make some changes.  Maybe see a therapist or something.  Also, if people in your life agreed that this loser was the best you could do, they'd probably keep their mouth shut and think "well, he's awful, but look at her! who else is going to wanna date her?"  You can do better! I would also argue that even if you can't find an awesome guy to replace the dud right away, being on your own for a little while might be a better option for you.
2. You're in love. Awwww.... love. What a wonderful thing love is.  It's all sunshine and butterfly's until your boyfriend goes off to jail for murder (again, kidding).  Love is great, everyone likes to feel love, but it is definitely not enough.  I'm not saying you have to forget about this yahoo altogether, but maybe he doesn't have to be your boyfriend.  You can love someone, and care for them, and have them be part of your life without having them be your chosen partner.  Just think about it.
3. You want to save him.  This is a trap that I probably fall into easier than most people.  I am all about helping other people.  I answer my phone in the middle of the night and would happily get out of bed to do someone a favor or listen to how they just got dumped.  I give homeless people money and sometimes stop to buy them food.  If you drop a dollar in the street, I'll run to catch up to you to return it.  I'm a Social Worker for Christ's sake.  I like helping people, and occasionally this finds its way into my dating life.  My father passed away in 2006 so I haven't been able to turn to him for advice as an adult.  Fortunately, my Dad did pass along some advice before he passed away that only now has really resonated with me.  Once when he was driving me back to my dorm in college he said "It's great that you like to help people so much. That's a great quality, and it makes me proud to be your father.  Having said that, it's not always your job to save everyone.  Help people as much as you can.  Be a good friend and a good citizen of the world.  Find a job that allows you to interact with others and gives you the opportunity to make peoples lives better.  When it comes to your life though, you shouldn't have to save anyone or fix anyone.  Do all your saving out there and allow yourself to come home to someone who is your equal, not someone who needs you to save them." This is probably some of the best advice I've ever received, and I think about that conversation often.  If you're like me, maybe this advice will be useful for you also.

Your friends hate your boyfriend and they're not afraid to say it...

Provided you haven't surrounded yourself with awful people, you should probably listen to your friends.  Of course it's not easy to admit that you're dating someone terrible.  It's also not easy to admit why you might be stuck dating someone terrible.  It is important to take a step back and consider how messed up it is to be able to make up a story about how he could have murdered someone and have people actually believe it.  You should probably consider your choices.  Life is short and sometimes the guy just isn't worth it.

What if he reads it??

This blog thing is sort of an experiment for me.  I want to try to write every day, although I'm starting to think once a week might be more realistic.  Anyway, I didn't take time to think about what I wanted this to be before I started posting things.

The process was something like this:

1. Wow I have a lot of thoughts, maybe I should write them down
2. Oh!! Look at that, I just started a blog. How unexpected.  
3. Huh.... I wrote things on the internet and now people are reading those things
4. Geez, maybe I should consider what that means....

Again, this started as an exercise.  An experiment.  Now that the experiment has begun and things are in motion it seems like I'll just have to wait and see what comes out of it.
 
I told my sister-in-law (via email) that I started a blog.  She responded right away with a lot of excitement, and encouraged me to share it with my brother as well.  A couple minutes later she emailed me again, "I just started reading, but, on second thought, maybe you shouldn't share this with your brother."  And I think she's probably right.  My brother and I are close, and he's pretty open minded, but there are something's that are probably better left unsaid between siblings.

Some of my friends started reading my blog and very quickly were able to recognize some of the people and situations I refer to in my posts.  Some of them probably even recognized themselves.  Many of these friends were curious about who I was sharing this blog with, who had read it, and what the reaction was.  Very quickly I realized that I had absolutely no idea, but it was worth considering.

While I haven't included any identifying information, since I'm writing this blog based on my life and experiences, and am therefore writing about real people and real events, people are definitely going to be able to recognize themselves.  So far there hasn't been any negative feedback about this, but I'm pretty sure that, at some point, someone is going to read something that they don't like reading. 

If you're a guy, and we've dated, something from our relationship will likely make the blog, and I'm not sure how well that's going to go over.  To be perfectly honest, I'm actually not too concerned about what guys might read on this blog, but maybe I should be.  I'd like to think that I would be able to say any of these things directly to any guy I've dated, but I'm not sure if that's really true.

On a related note, I started thinking about what happens when I start dating a brand new guy and he starts reading my blog.  I imagine it would be weird to read about how the girl you just started dating feels about the relationship.  This new guy will also get to hear about my feelings on a lot of things both related and unrelated to our relationship.  I'm not sure how finding out all this information up front might impact things, but imagine it could be a lot to take in.

I admit, writing this blog was not a very well thought out decision.  Sometimes I'm impulsive as it turns out.  Anyway, I hope that people enjoy reading my blog, because I definitely enjoy writing it.

So.... what if he reads it?? Well, hopefully any of the men this "he" could reference will understand, and will be able to enjoy the blog should they choose to read it.  And who knows, they just might learn something :)

I always encourage people to be themselves.  Even if you're a little weird, I think it's important to be yourself in the most genuine way possible.  This blog is me.  These stories are mine.  I guess I have to take my own advice and be comfortable putting my truth out into the world.  We'll see what happens.

A Follow Up: Cock Shots

I recently (yesterday) spoke to the waiter I referred to in my Sooo.... What's up with the cock shots? post via text.  Some of you might be asking why I had continued communication with this gentleman, and you're right to wonder.

I felt the need to speak to this man, because last week he sent me another unsolicited sext message.  I actually wasn’t going to write about the experience in my blog, as I felt like it went a little too far over the line, but now I think that I have to share this information with you in order to give you a context for today's post.

Ok, last week, our infamous penis waiter texted me a video clip of, what appeared to be, him masturbating.  As promised, the first thing I did upon receiving this text was to share it with my friends.  Although, for the record, I didn't actually just forward the video.  For the most part, I just shared the news that the video had been sent to me.  Though a select few, we'll call them "the lucky ones" were given full access, and did receive the forwarded masturbation video for their viewing pleasure.  Some of them appreciated it, and some of them definitely did not.  This is probably understandable.  I have never received a video like this before, and I have to say, I really, really, really hope I don’t receive another.  My friends are likely hoping I don't as well, since, in general, they see what I see.  

My approach to this issue was to completely disengage.  There are probably a lot of things I should have said to this man right away, but I honestly just didn’t want to have to have the conversation with him and, at the same time, though he brought it on himself, I didn’t want to embarrass him.  On some level I felt like he didn’t realize how inappropriate his behavior was, and for that reason, I felt a little bad.   

Anyway, when I didn’t respond, he followed up with a text, “what do you think?” What did I think? I thought the video was incredibly vile, inappropriate and shocking.  I thought, what the fuck is wrong with you?!  Even though that's what I thought, and probably he should know my thoughts on this, I didn't wanna say it, so I didn’t respond. 

After a couple days he texted me again, “do you hate me?”  At this point, it seemed clear that I couldn’t continue to ignore the problem any longer, as it didn’t seem to be going away on its own.  I texted "Big Jack" and asked him to please stop sending me pictures and videos.  He seemed to understand, and said that he wouldn’t continue to send me sext messages.  This satisfied me.  What he said next, however, really got me thinking.  He texted, “I will take you off my picture and video text list.”

WHAT???? He has a list of people he sends dick pic’s to and video clips of him masturbating? Really??  A list?? I didn’t ask him about this, though I was tempted, because I really didn’t want to get into a discussion about it, or have him mistake my disgusted curiosity with flirty banter.  I am super curious though.  Who else has been receiving these texts?  How many people are on this "sext list?"  What is the typical response to his X-rated messages?  Has no one ever responded negatively to these before?  Do people like getting them?  Am I missing something?

This is a mystery I will probably never solve, but it has left me thinking.  What kinds of things are other people into that I am not??  Are there things that I consider inappropriate or violating that other women might enjoy?  Or even look forward to?  Are there some women out there who absolutely love getting penis pictures and masturbation videos sent them on their phones?  Have I gotten this one wrong?

Maybe this all goes back to one woman.  Is there some woman out there begging men for pictures and videos of them pleasuring themselves?  If so, who is this woman?  If you are this woman and you happen to be reading this blog, I would love to have a conversation with you.  Seriously.  Also, if you love looking at penises that much I would be happy to send you some of "the good stuff" in return for your opinion on this matter.   Ladies, let me know what you're thinking.  How do we feel about cock shots and masturbation videos?  Am I just being a prude??  I encourage feedback.  Really.